Oh stagnant day.

The day of complete and utter boredom has set upon me, and what more is there to do but be in it.
I have already cleansed my living space, and the garments which I wear.
I have already composed my dreaded Extended Essay work, and read the work of William Faulkner I was assigned.
I have added color to my previously plain fingernails, and viewed a selection of my favorite films.

And yet, here I am, remaining in this stagnant day.

What is this, I don't even.

Although this kind of looks really gross, I want to try it so badly. So, so bad.

Shallow

I am really completely excited for the warm weather to set in. I am ready to start wearing the cute summer dresses I have accumulated over the year. I'm ready to start experimenting with my hair, now that it's finally long enough to do anything with.

Although these things are kind of shallow, to me these things are a way for me to start growing up. I've always just let things fall as they may, but I want to be the one to take control of things.

As weird as that may sound.

Playlists

My boyfriend and I trade playlists back and forth sometimes. I'll make him one and put it on my iPod, and he'll make one and put it on his Zune, and then we trade music players.

We've done two now so far, so it's not necessarily what you would call prolific, but it's a good start.

It's a good way to see what kind of music we like listening to, including our guilty pleasures.

Whether it's his obsession with Lady Gaga, or my leftover love of some of the Christian rock bands I used to listen to when I was little, we put some of everything on them.

The cool part is that when I listen to the ones he's made me, they remind me of him. You can tell he made it, because little parts of his personality are represented. He says the ones I make for him remind him of me too.

It's cute.

I don't need you.

I did not give up my friends for my relationship.
I did not lose my friends because of my relationship.

I chose to leave, and I did it because I was tired of the dynamic. Tired of getting treated so poorly. Tired of watching everyone get treated so poorly.

Did my boyfriend have a part in this decision? In ways, yes. He reminded me of what having a real friend is like, and showed me that I could make it on my own. That I didn't need them like I thought I did. That I didn't owe them anything.

But did he make this decision for me? No, that was all me. He was extremely supportive, gave me my options, and talked me through those options, but overall the decision was left to me.

And I chose to be free.

So go ahead and speculate that I have been brainwashed by my boyfriend, go ahead and talk behind my back about how I'll be crawling back to you when it's over between us, go ahead and scrutinize me for not finding balance in my life.

I have found balance in my life, you're just upset because you aren't a part of it.

But honestly? I don't give a fuck.

No one is the prophet of all things good and right, sent to show us how to live our lives. Especially not you. I don't need you to teach me.

I Laugh So Hard

I laugh so hard when I read the things you post on your Tumblr. I don't laugh because it's "haha funny." I laugh because it is fucking ironic, all the things you say.

Sometimes I wonder if you ever really sit back and think about your life. If you really believe some of the things you say about yourself on the internet. I mean, everybody's got their personas, don't get me wrong.

I know that on the internet, I seem a lot like a narcissistic bitch, but hey, I KNOW this, hence the blog title. But at the same time, I also know that I'm not that person in real life, but do I care? Nah. If I cared, then I would try to make myself look better than I actually am.

You try to make yourself sound so sincere, trying to make yourself seem like this open book of all things docile yet independent, friendly yet bitchy, and all together a deep, dynamic individual who has what...Just decided to pour out everything in their heart and soul out on the internet for their "followers" to see?

I mean quite honestly, I do not think anybody reads this blog, and if people do, then good for them. Maybe someone can be entertained, and thought provoked from whatever it is that I write here, but you can't know a person from their blog posts.

Even if that's your intent; to put yourself into the internet page that has ridiculously become your second home.

Believe me, I have experience in this matter. A blog is not you. It may be a part of you, just like anything else can be. Your room, your locker, your art, your essays, anything of yours really. It may be a part of you, but it can never really be you.

But backtracking to my original point. It makes me laugh to see what you want the world to think of you, or maybe even what you think of yourself, because who knows? Maybe your Tumblr is a place of undying truthfulness and therapy. But really, if you know these things enough about yourself to post about them in depth on a blog, then why do you need the blog to help you discover it?

When I sit here, and write these things out, I realize that no, I am most likely not inspiring people with "my story." No, I am not trying to figure out myself by spitting out my inner most thoughts into the internet. And no, I'm not trying to impress my friends.

Really it all comes down to boredom, and the fact that this feels a lot more productive than doing whatever it is I could be doing.

There is a total difference...

So, I'm with Drake in Starbucks, and we're sitting there looking up Lord of the Rings jokes on my laptop, and I'm explaining the wonderfulness of my previous days America's Next Top Model snow day marathon. It's pretty great. We're laughing, joking, being the cute couple that everyone accuses us of being, not that it's a bad thing.

We see some people come and go, like Rhys, who was dressed in the most insane amount of layers I have ever seen. I mean, yeah, it may be -20 outside, but four sweatshirts? Really? I did pretty darn fine in my flannel, and my winter jacket. Scarf, gloves, hat, all your normal winter attire.

Anyway, then some other people we know walk in. These people, who shall remain unnamed, are infamous for their PDA together around the school. Typically it goes like this.

Crowd of people.
This couple walks in.
They have a huge, slobbery (not exaggerating), kiss for about 5 or 6 seconds.
They stop face sucking, and continually spend the next half hour whispering in each other's ears/cuddling together.
Face sucking ensues for another 5 to 6 seconds.

But this time they REALLY went at it. There was no half hour in between here, and there was no 5 to 6 seconds either. They were legitimately hard core making out right in front of us. I mean, not just in front of strangers...but in front of us...people they know and have to see later that day.

They were practically ready to rip each other's clothes off...IN STARBUCKS. It was one of those moments, when you just awkwardly pretend you don't notice what's going on even if it is right in front of you.

I mean, I'm self conscious and TOTALLY aware of all the PDA I give off all the time. I used to get shit from some of my old friends about how it was SO inappropriate to hug, hold hands, and hang out with my boyfriend after school hours, or around them. A manifestation of why they aren't my friends any longer.

But like...we have never done anything to that extent ever in public. Even when Kyle picked me up today, we just hugged goodbye.

He's like, "What? No smooch goodbye?" And I'm like, "No, I guess not."
The worst we do is stuff like this.

And there is a total difference between that and what they were doing.