"You're a spoiled brat. Oh yes, it's true. You think nobody matters but you. Forget about the hungry in Mexico. Go play your stupid Nintendo. We've got everything we want. We're ungrateful spoiled little brats. Forget our humble self esteem, stop living for the selfish dream."
Is it so wrong to make the realization that you aren't going to change the world?
I mean, I thought it was just part of growing up, realizing that you probably aren't going to be a pop star, a princess, or the first woman president.
And quite honestly, to an extent, I don't want to be those things. I just want to be comfortable. I just want to be somewhere that suits me, and is it so terrible that what suits me is not being a princess?
According to some that's called complacency. That's me just settling for a middle class existence, and dooming myself to a life of unhappiness. But I don't think that will make me unhappy. I think it will make me more unhappy to strive for something I will most likely not achieve.
I don't have to force my opinions on others, and I don't have to prove to everyone else that I am right, and they are wrong. I'm sorry that I don't want to fill my life with conflict. And does that make me afraid? Does that make me a completely weak person?
No. It doesn't.
I think the idea that I am going to hate my life, because of being complacent is absolute bullshit.
I have so many things to say that could point out the hippocracy of the person who gave me this advice. I could tear down your argument one piece at a time, but will I? No. Because I have respect for your ideas, no matter how flawed, obscene, or fucking retarded they are.
Maybe that's just me being stupid, but I have always at least tried to understand how your mind works, even when what comes from it is almost an attack against me.
"So instead of hitting them or doing anything about it, you go post on your Tumblr, and blog about it."
Done, hope you're happy.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Starbucks My Dear, Starbucks.
"If you were a country you'd be Switzerland. You never take a stand, your policy is never to offend. If you were a gambler you would always win, you'd only bet on the horses after they had already come in. And I'm sorry that I'm getting on your case, but true friends they stab you in the face."
I have officially applied to a school in Switzerland.
I mean, I think it would be kind of cool to go study abroad somewhere. It would be super neat to experience a new culture, while also going to school. The more I think about it, the more I am dreading the college experience. See, during the "pre-Drake" era, I was very welcoming to the college experience.
The whole flirtatious, partying, loose life that you see on television intrigued me, and I wanted to be a part of it. I knew I would be good at it at least.
But now, I don't want any of that anymore. I don't need to go be flirty when I have all I could ask for in a guy with me already. Unless we break up, which although is unlikely, could happen, I would like to not be involved with all the aspects of the college life experience. Maybe it's just not for me.
And besides that, even if we aren't together. I won't be missing out really, because getting to study abroad is an experience in itself.
College is stupid.
Why not Switzerland?
"Not for me, not for me. College, torture, college, university. Arts and crafts is all I need, I'll take calligraphy and then I'll make a fake degree."
I have officially applied to a school in Switzerland.
I mean, I think it would be kind of cool to go study abroad somewhere. It would be super neat to experience a new culture, while also going to school. The more I think about it, the more I am dreading the college experience. See, during the "pre-Drake" era, I was very welcoming to the college experience.
The whole flirtatious, partying, loose life that you see on television intrigued me, and I wanted to be a part of it. I knew I would be good at it at least.
But now, I don't want any of that anymore. I don't need to go be flirty when I have all I could ask for in a guy with me already. Unless we break up, which although is unlikely, could happen, I would like to not be involved with all the aspects of the college life experience. Maybe it's just not for me.
And besides that, even if we aren't together. I won't be missing out really, because getting to study abroad is an experience in itself.
College is stupid.
Why not Switzerland?
"Not for me, not for me. College, torture, college, university. Arts and crafts is all I need, I'll take calligraphy and then I'll make a fake degree."
Starbucks My Dear, Starbucks.
"Fair Phyllis sitting all alone feeding her flock along the mountain side. Up and down, up and down, up and down, when they found her kissing.
Here I am at Starbucks working on homework. It's nice
But Izzie is certainly the best person EVAIR. Like seriously. I wish I could spend every moment of my life with that chick. She is AWESOME.
BLOG JACKED!! :P
Here I am at Starbucks working on homework. It's nice
But Izzie is certainly the best person EVAIR. Like seriously. I wish I could spend every moment of my life with that chick. She is AWESOME.
BLOG JACKED!! :P
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Making a Mix
And that frankly will not fly. You will hear the shrillest highs and lowest lows with the windows down when this song's guiding you home. And they will see us waving from such great heights. 'Come down now,' they'll say. But everything looks perfect from far away. Come down now, but we'll stay.
I'm working on your birthday present that's already a month late. I'm sorry it's taking so long. I should have it to you by Christmas when we leave to go back home.
I am going to miss you so much over break. It already makes me sad just thinking about it.
I'm working on your birthday present that's already a month late. I'm sorry it's taking so long. I should have it to you by Christmas when we leave to go back home.
I am going to miss you so much over break. It already makes me sad just thinking about it.
Why yes, they are laughing at me.
Now you could study Shakespeare and be quite elite. And you could charm the critics and have nothing to eat. Just slip on a banana peel and have the world at your feet. Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh.
I think one of the best feelings of my entire life, is that towards the end of Big Love, I walk on stage and people start laughing, just because I've walked on.
By this time I have established my character in two previous scenes. And from that people deem that I am funny.
That I am adorably funny.
I never thought I'd be that character. Last year I saw The Tempest, and I remembered that happening with Skylar, Sam, and Kyra.
Now it's me.
I always thought that all the kids in George Drama were way out of my league in the talent sense. They were all so far above me, and I could never ever compare.
You never know until you try.
I think one of the best feelings of my entire life, is that towards the end of Big Love, I walk on stage and people start laughing, just because I've walked on.
By this time I have established my character in two previous scenes. And from that people deem that I am funny.
That I am adorably funny.
I never thought I'd be that character. Last year I saw The Tempest, and I remembered that happening with Skylar, Sam, and Kyra.
Now it's me.
I always thought that all the kids in George Drama were way out of my league in the talent sense. They were all so far above me, and I could never ever compare.
You never know until you try.
What I learned from this show is?
But I have to go with my whole instinct when it tells me that I love him and he loves me, and nothing else matters. Even if other things matter quite a lot. Even if it's in the midst of everyone getting killed. Maybe this is how people end up marrying Nazis but I can't help it.
My favorite part of this isn't about how great her love is, it could even overcome death on the scale of that which occurs in the play; it's when she says, "even if other things matter quite a lot."
I know that there are a lot of things in my life that matter. I have a lot of caring friends, I have my family, I have a future to look toward, I have school to push myself through.
And yet, I know that when we are together that is the only thing that matters.
I know it sounds cheesy.
I know it sounds cliche.
I know it sounds stupid.
But when he and I do anything together, whether it's playing Angry Birds on his phone, or telling each other things we would never tell anyone else. It's the only thing that matters.
About three months ago, what feels like forever ago, I met this guy. He just sort of happened upon me where I never expected him to be, and I've never been so pleasantly surprised in my whole life.
My favorite part of this isn't about how great her love is, it could even overcome death on the scale of that which occurs in the play; it's when she says, "even if other things matter quite a lot."
I know that there are a lot of things in my life that matter. I have a lot of caring friends, I have my family, I have a future to look toward, I have school to push myself through.
And yet, I know that when we are together that is the only thing that matters.
I know it sounds cheesy.
I know it sounds cliche.
I know it sounds stupid.
But when he and I do anything together, whether it's playing Angry Birds on his phone, or telling each other things we would never tell anyone else. It's the only thing that matters.
About three months ago, what feels like forever ago, I met this guy. He just sort of happened upon me where I never expected him to be, and I've never been so pleasantly surprised in my whole life.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Time Flies
Today is my one year anniversary of living in Denver, Colorado.
I have a lot of mixed feelings regarding this particular event. I mean, I've done a considerable amount of growing up, I've traversed the path of self discovery overall with my head held high, even through I've come out of it with some scrapes and bruises. However, I feel strangely unaccomplished. I feel like I should have been doing more with my time here, like I could have managed better, been better.
Then I find myself thinking,
"Why the hell does it matter."
Right now, I am happy.
Right now, I am content.
Right now, I feel prepared.
Right now, I have things worked out.
So why should I look into the past and think about the things I could have done.
When it's time for me to think about all the things that are happening right now, and all the things that will happen in the future.
I have a lot of mixed feelings regarding this particular event. I mean, I've done a considerable amount of growing up, I've traversed the path of self discovery overall with my head held high, even through I've come out of it with some scrapes and bruises. However, I feel strangely unaccomplished. I feel like I should have been doing more with my time here, like I could have managed better, been better.
Then I find myself thinking,
"Why the hell does it matter."
Right now, I am happy.
Right now, I am content.
Right now, I feel prepared.
Right now, I have things worked out.
So why should I look into the past and think about the things I could have done.
When it's time for me to think about all the things that are happening right now, and all the things that will happen in the future.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
To Be Gone
So, here I am. Home at five for the first time in the last month. It's rather boring actually. Really, really, boring.
I suppose that isn't entirely too terrible though. I mean, if anything, this will give me a reason to blog again.
Another countdown has begun, another set of days until I once again, return to my roots. Last time was not exactly what you would call fun, but I think it will be different this time. I think that this go around, things will be alot better. I would say that's just false, guilty optimism, but I'm starting to convince myself otherwise. I mean, I know it isn't going to be fun the whole time I'm there...
but this will, overall, give me a chance to show them I've changed. That I'm a different person.
And honestly, I have a few people to thank for that.
There are people out there who have showed me what it means to be myself. There are people out there who have showed me that it's okay to show my feelings. There are people out there who have taught me that who I was, where I came from, what my past is, that all of those things don't make me excluded.
I have been shown that people really, truly care. Those people know who they are...and if they don't. I guess they could ask me if they are one of them.
Today was the last day for the IB senior class. I'm not one to cry at things like this, but I definitely will miss them. I know alot of things aren't going to be the same without them. I just hope that next year, people will have a reason to miss me. I hope that I inspire people with whatever it is I do, enough so that they will want to do the same when they are older.
I get that this feeling could be interpreted as being egocentric, and narcissistic, but I think that's okay with me.
Goodbye seniors...
you inspired me.
I suppose that isn't entirely too terrible though. I mean, if anything, this will give me a reason to blog again.
Another countdown has begun, another set of days until I once again, return to my roots. Last time was not exactly what you would call fun, but I think it will be different this time. I think that this go around, things will be alot better. I would say that's just false, guilty optimism, but I'm starting to convince myself otherwise. I mean, I know it isn't going to be fun the whole time I'm there...
but this will, overall, give me a chance to show them I've changed. That I'm a different person.
And honestly, I have a few people to thank for that.
There are people out there who have showed me what it means to be myself. There are people out there who have showed me that it's okay to show my feelings. There are people out there who have taught me that who I was, where I came from, what my past is, that all of those things don't make me excluded.
I have been shown that people really, truly care. Those people know who they are...and if they don't. I guess they could ask me if they are one of them.
Today was the last day for the IB senior class. I'm not one to cry at things like this, but I definitely will miss them. I know alot of things aren't going to be the same without them. I just hope that next year, people will have a reason to miss me. I hope that I inspire people with whatever it is I do, enough so that they will want to do the same when they are older.
I get that this feeling could be interpreted as being egocentric, and narcissistic, but I think that's okay with me.
Goodbye seniors...
you inspired me.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Musical Genius
So here I am, at the Auraria Campus Library, listening to a mousy, gray haired woman talk about researching full text art journals for someones extended essay.
Why am I here?
She is fumbling around with her computer, it would be entertaining if I weren't ten feet away from Mrs. Geimer, and some other somewhat intimidating library official with a fake smile plastered on his face.
I think he might have a crush on the woman speaking at the front. He laughs at everything she says, even the stuff that is in no way shape or form funny. Every once and awhile though, he stares at her with this longing kind of look. It's interesting to watch, for the sole reason that the woman has no idea.
She just keeps rambling on about databases that she doesn't really know about, but, "no worries," she tells us. "If you act like you own the place, no one questions you."
I am stuck here until two, maybe two thirty.
I have found a total of five books to start my bull shit essay on.
Some of them might actually be interesting to read. there is one called The History in Sound. It goes through protest worthy instances throughout the twentieth century, and analyzes the music used to represent them.
There is another one that discusses modern music, and that's okay and all, but what made this book special is that it breaks it down into genre.
Not the IB definition of genre, mind you, but the generally accepted one, like folk, rock, etc.
This one talks about social vs. anti-social genres and how that affects how it works for a protest nature. They talk about how rock and folk are social forms of protest music, while goth and heavy metal are anti-social. If anything, from this extended essay I will at least enjoy reading this.
The love stricken librarian man is staring at me. I think he realizes that I am not searching databases. that's fine by me though, I would search if they gave me something to search with. They've gone over every subject but mine
awesome.
I always find myself studying protests. I never really know why, it just happens. I never plan on it, but it finds me. I'm not sure as to whether I am happy about this or not.
Remember my ninth grade poetry project?
My teacher told me, protest is too general, punk rock isn't going to work.
Guess who got one hundred percent on her project?
I hope this works out for me.
Why am I here?
She is fumbling around with her computer, it would be entertaining if I weren't ten feet away from Mrs. Geimer, and some other somewhat intimidating library official with a fake smile plastered on his face.
I think he might have a crush on the woman speaking at the front. He laughs at everything she says, even the stuff that is in no way shape or form funny. Every once and awhile though, he stares at her with this longing kind of look. It's interesting to watch, for the sole reason that the woman has no idea.
She just keeps rambling on about databases that she doesn't really know about, but, "no worries," she tells us. "If you act like you own the place, no one questions you."
I am stuck here until two, maybe two thirty.
I have found a total of five books to start my bull shit essay on.
Some of them might actually be interesting to read. there is one called The History in Sound. It goes through protest worthy instances throughout the twentieth century, and analyzes the music used to represent them.
There is another one that discusses modern music, and that's okay and all, but what made this book special is that it breaks it down into genre.
Not the IB definition of genre, mind you, but the generally accepted one, like folk, rock, etc.
This one talks about social vs. anti-social genres and how that affects how it works for a protest nature. They talk about how rock and folk are social forms of protest music, while goth and heavy metal are anti-social. If anything, from this extended essay I will at least enjoy reading this.
The love stricken librarian man is staring at me. I think he realizes that I am not searching databases. that's fine by me though, I would search if they gave me something to search with. They've gone over every subject but mine
awesome.
I always find myself studying protests. I never really know why, it just happens. I never plan on it, but it finds me. I'm not sure as to whether I am happy about this or not.
Remember my ninth grade poetry project?
My teacher told me, protest is too general, punk rock isn't going to work.
Guess who got one hundred percent on her project?
I hope this works out for me.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
What to Tell Me
"You can't belittle your problems. I think yours are pretty big."
I once read in my Psychology book that something shouldn't be considered a phobia or a problem until it starts having an effect on your daily life. This is how I interpret a lot of things. Something really shouldn't be put into too much thought unless it starts having an effect on your everyday activities. The only problem with this state of mind, this way of thinking is that it sucks when you realize that something has crossed that line and has actually become a problem.
I think the discovery that you actually have something to worry about is worse than having the issue in the first place.
Not to say that I have a psychological issue, I mean, it's not like I've ever been analyzed by professionals, but I would like to assume that I am mostly sane.
I think everyone would like to assume that they are mostly sane.
So maybe something of mine has become a problem, because it affects my every day life, the question is;
How do I fix it, or make it better?
Someone told me to seek professional help, but honestly, I don't think I could deal with that. That sounds absolutely terrifying and doesn't seem to fit my problems at all.
My problems seem to obscurely fit into a Days of Our Lives script, and you don't see any of those people in therapy do ya?
Nah, I don't think that's for me. I feel like they will just want me to talk, but I think writing is better anyway. More or less theraputic in it's own way.
Then again, I write entirely in ambiguities and rarely ever in specifics, unless it's a quote, I like those.
Anyway, so if anything I guess that today, on my path to self discovery, that people think I have issues. Some people think I have major problems.
Do I agree with them?
Well, I guess eventually, with my Psychology-book-philosophy, all will be told in time.
I once read in my Psychology book that something shouldn't be considered a phobia or a problem until it starts having an effect on your daily life. This is how I interpret a lot of things. Something really shouldn't be put into too much thought unless it starts having an effect on your everyday activities. The only problem with this state of mind, this way of thinking is that it sucks when you realize that something has crossed that line and has actually become a problem.
I think the discovery that you actually have something to worry about is worse than having the issue in the first place.
Not to say that I have a psychological issue, I mean, it's not like I've ever been analyzed by professionals, but I would like to assume that I am mostly sane.
I think everyone would like to assume that they are mostly sane.
So maybe something of mine has become a problem, because it affects my every day life, the question is;
How do I fix it, or make it better?
Someone told me to seek professional help, but honestly, I don't think I could deal with that. That sounds absolutely terrifying and doesn't seem to fit my problems at all.
My problems seem to obscurely fit into a Days of Our Lives script, and you don't see any of those people in therapy do ya?
Nah, I don't think that's for me. I feel like they will just want me to talk, but I think writing is better anyway. More or less theraputic in it's own way.
Then again, I write entirely in ambiguities and rarely ever in specifics, unless it's a quote, I like those.
Anyway, so if anything I guess that today, on my path to self discovery, that people think I have issues. Some people think I have major problems.
Do I agree with them?
Well, I guess eventually, with my Psychology-book-philosophy, all will be told in time.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Hit Me Up
I havn't done this in awhile. Here is some hintage to my tunage.
"We'll sing love songs about heartbreak and grief. Sing it's not just music, but the pains not brief. We sing, how your love is like a knife in the back. Well I was stabbed and bleeding, but still begging for attack."
-Slow Glass, Noah & the Whale
"And I thought you were the moon in the sky, but it turned out you were just a street light. You were burning like a hole in the night. You were burning like a city of electric light."
-City of Electric Light, Chad VanGaalen
"I've got secrets from you, you've got secrets from me, because you're so worried about what I'm gonna think. Baby, I'm worried too."
-Paranoia in B Major, The Avett Brothers
"I saw you the other day, you were tearful but that's okay. I saw you the other day, and you were screaming with laughter but that's okay, because I do like you. I do like you today."
-Because I Do, Pearl and the Puppets
"We could do it all, and it'd all go faster. Things could multiply at apalling rates. Then we'd lose our heads and we'd still go faster, even on our birthdays."
-Lolita, Throw Me The Statue
"We're all scared. Gotta wonder what's out there, shooting down the ones who did what we wish we dared. Everybody's scared to karaoke in the open. Afraid we're not as special as what we might be hoping."
-So Bright, Superchic[k]
"Say what you mean. Is it a trick? Is it a lie? Well, am I to work? Am I to work to pay for your unexcurisons."
-Moments Before Sleep, Blue Roses
"The light was leaving, in the West it was blue. The Childrens laughter sang, skipping just like the stones they threw. The voices echoed across the way. It's getting late."
-Constelations, Jack Johnson
"Why don't you sit right down and stay awhile? We like the same things, and I like your style. It's not a secret. Why do you keep it? I'm just sitting on the shelf"
-Why Do You Let Me Stay Here, She & Him
"In early '99 I beat the Ocarina of Time. I'm quite the legend in this town,
my friends get wicked shit from all the foul-mouth fools you roll with. Just push your luck, there will be blood, most likely your own carnage."
-@!#?@!, Motion City Soundtrack
"I can't look at the rocket launch, trophy wives of the astronauts, and I won't listen to their words, cause I like birds."
-I Like Birds, Eels
"Save up all the days, a routine malaise. Just like yesterday, I told you I would stay. Would you always, maybe sometimes, make it easy? Take your time."
-Two Weeks, Grizzly Bear
"Working all day for a mean little man, with a clip on tie and a rub on tan. He's got me running round the office like dog around a track, but when I get back home you're always there to rub my back."
-Hey Julie, Fountains of Wayne
"We'll sing love songs about heartbreak and grief. Sing it's not just music, but the pains not brief. We sing, how your love is like a knife in the back. Well I was stabbed and bleeding, but still begging for attack."
-Slow Glass, Noah & the Whale
"And I thought you were the moon in the sky, but it turned out you were just a street light. You were burning like a hole in the night. You were burning like a city of electric light."
-City of Electric Light, Chad VanGaalen
"I've got secrets from you, you've got secrets from me, because you're so worried about what I'm gonna think. Baby, I'm worried too."
-Paranoia in B Major, The Avett Brothers
"I saw you the other day, you were tearful but that's okay. I saw you the other day, and you were screaming with laughter but that's okay, because I do like you. I do like you today."
-Because I Do, Pearl and the Puppets
"We could do it all, and it'd all go faster. Things could multiply at apalling rates. Then we'd lose our heads and we'd still go faster, even on our birthdays."
-Lolita, Throw Me The Statue
"We're all scared. Gotta wonder what's out there, shooting down the ones who did what we wish we dared. Everybody's scared to karaoke in the open. Afraid we're not as special as what we might be hoping."
-So Bright, Superchic[k]
"Say what you mean. Is it a trick? Is it a lie? Well, am I to work? Am I to work to pay for your unexcurisons."
-Moments Before Sleep, Blue Roses
"The light was leaving, in the West it was blue. The Childrens laughter sang, skipping just like the stones they threw. The voices echoed across the way. It's getting late."
-Constelations, Jack Johnson
"Why don't you sit right down and stay awhile? We like the same things, and I like your style. It's not a secret. Why do you keep it? I'm just sitting on the shelf"
-Why Do You Let Me Stay Here, She & Him
"In early '99 I beat the Ocarina of Time. I'm quite the legend in this town,
my friends get wicked shit from all the foul-mouth fools you roll with. Just push your luck, there will be blood, most likely your own carnage."
-@!#?@!, Motion City Soundtrack
"I can't look at the rocket launch, trophy wives of the astronauts, and I won't listen to their words, cause I like birds."
-I Like Birds, Eels
"Save up all the days, a routine malaise. Just like yesterday, I told you I would stay. Would you always, maybe sometimes, make it easy? Take your time."
-Two Weeks, Grizzly Bear
"Working all day for a mean little man, with a clip on tie and a rub on tan. He's got me running round the office like dog around a track, but when I get back home you're always there to rub my back."
-Hey Julie, Fountains of Wayne
Monday, March 29, 2010
To Those Who Appreciate
"But I hate sweaters"
"Carissa! It's not about the sweater itself so much as the spirit of the appreciation!"
Yes, the Sweater Appreciation Club has officially spread to the west side. I'm totally excited.
Things, at least for this particular aspect of my life, are going swimmingly. I've got a great, excited, vice president. Alot of spirit, and thirty five members in counting!
I'm totally excited for this to really take root. I've already picked my sweater for next Thursday.
But like I told Carissa, sweaters are great, yeah, that really can't be denied. However, it is really just the whole energy surrounding the SAC that makes it so special. The sweater needs to be appreciated, that's true, but really for me it's about how something as simple as a sweater can be so positive.
I mean, the day before, the hours before even, things just felt lost.
And I'm not saying that the SAC cleared my mind or anything, but by george it was a successful distraction from everything that's been going on. Isn't that cool enough?
It's similar to that line in Dogma, when Serandipity says something like
"It isn't necessarily what you have faith in, but that you HAVE faith."
I think that applies to this situation here. I mean,
It isn't necessarily that you have appreciation for sweaters, but just that you HAVE appreciation.
Maybe that's a strech, but I think you all get the point.
"Carissa! It's not about the sweater itself so much as the spirit of the appreciation!"
Yes, the Sweater Appreciation Club has officially spread to the west side. I'm totally excited.
Things, at least for this particular aspect of my life, are going swimmingly. I've got a great, excited, vice president. Alot of spirit, and thirty five members in counting!
I'm totally excited for this to really take root. I've already picked my sweater for next Thursday.
But like I told Carissa, sweaters are great, yeah, that really can't be denied. However, it is really just the whole energy surrounding the SAC that makes it so special. The sweater needs to be appreciated, that's true, but really for me it's about how something as simple as a sweater can be so positive.
I mean, the day before, the hours before even, things just felt lost.
And I'm not saying that the SAC cleared my mind or anything, but by george it was a successful distraction from everything that's been going on. Isn't that cool enough?
It's similar to that line in Dogma, when Serandipity says something like
"It isn't necessarily what you have faith in, but that you HAVE faith."
I think that applies to this situation here. I mean,
It isn't necessarily that you have appreciation for sweaters, but just that you HAVE appreciation.
Maybe that's a strech, but I think you all get the point.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Admit It
I can't say I am totally unaffected by this whole situation.
I mean, it sucks. The title of "filler girl" is not a pleasant one.
If I do nothing, then the world looks on me as if I am hiding something.
If I do something, then I will be judged on my behavior.
Awesome right?
I guess it isn't a huge deal though, I figured passiveness would get me somewhere. It did...and yet I am still under the impression that I didn't get what I might have wanted. Then again, since I didn't know what I wanted, that is also a falacy in itself.
Nothing was done in specifics to me I suppose. People were looking out for themselves, and that's okay too. Now I get to do what I am good at, being passive.
I did alot of expanding my horizons over the last few weeks. My first instinct is to revert that immediately, but I am fighting to not do so. I am trying really hard to just accept. A clean get away.
I mean, it sucks. The title of "filler girl" is not a pleasant one.
If I do nothing, then the world looks on me as if I am hiding something.
If I do something, then I will be judged on my behavior.
Awesome right?
I guess it isn't a huge deal though, I figured passiveness would get me somewhere. It did...and yet I am still under the impression that I didn't get what I might have wanted. Then again, since I didn't know what I wanted, that is also a falacy in itself.
Nothing was done in specifics to me I suppose. People were looking out for themselves, and that's okay too. Now I get to do what I am good at, being passive.
I did alot of expanding my horizons over the last few weeks. My first instinct is to revert that immediately, but I am fighting to not do so. I am trying really hard to just accept. A clean get away.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Make Your Comparisons
"The original punk rocker, Mozart"
-Kyle Williams
The Piano Concerto number 23 is my favorite composition of his.
The intricate piano motif makes me think, and the back up airophones and cordophones are superiorly complimentary to the piece as a whole. I think it should probably be taken a closer look at, since it is just absolutely stunning to listen to .
For my music class, I am suppused to make a musical comparison.
I definitely want to use this Mozart piece...but what to pair it with.
I think I want to use Hammers and Strings, Jack's Mannequin.
It has a similar feel to it in the hesitation in the piano line, but there is also the use of cordophones, and vocals that accentuates this but isn't the main part of the peice.
Like Mozart's Piano Concerto, it also has a point where it get's slightly happier in the beginning.
I don't know...I'm probably going on a leap here, knowing nothing about music really. I should probably take more time and do it right, go with the multicultural thing. But this might be just more interesting. Although my teacher will probably shut me down.
I am just drawn to these two songs, but maybe I should just listen to them instead of doing my project on them.
Oh well, wasting time blogging about it doesn't solve the problem, if anything it just makes it more official that I am going to use these two pieces. If he doesn't like it, that's fine.
These two songs speak to me, and I think they speak to eachother too.
Isn't that the rewarding part about music anyway?
-Kyle Williams
The Piano Concerto number 23 is my favorite composition of his.
The intricate piano motif makes me think, and the back up airophones and cordophones are superiorly complimentary to the piece as a whole. I think it should probably be taken a closer look at, since it is just absolutely stunning to listen to .
For my music class, I am suppused to make a musical comparison.
I definitely want to use this Mozart piece...but what to pair it with.
I think I want to use Hammers and Strings, Jack's Mannequin.
It has a similar feel to it in the hesitation in the piano line, but there is also the use of cordophones, and vocals that accentuates this but isn't the main part of the peice.
Like Mozart's Piano Concerto, it also has a point where it get's slightly happier in the beginning.
I don't know...I'm probably going on a leap here, knowing nothing about music really. I should probably take more time and do it right, go with the multicultural thing. But this might be just more interesting. Although my teacher will probably shut me down.
I am just drawn to these two songs, but maybe I should just listen to them instead of doing my project on them.
Oh well, wasting time blogging about it doesn't solve the problem, if anything it just makes it more official that I am going to use these two pieces. If he doesn't like it, that's fine.
These two songs speak to me, and I think they speak to eachother too.
Isn't that the rewarding part about music anyway?
Sunday, March 7, 2010
For You
Once upon a time there was a girl who had a blog. A blog that for whatever reason, lead to really great things. The best of which being the most recent.
I would like to think that I am a rational person, one who thinks things through and comes out on the other end of it all with a good decision. However, that would be a lie. In reality I'm simply inconsistant, and sometimes just plain stupid.
and yet, people accept me this way. In fact, some people like me this way.
I'm the type of person that likes to watch things unfold around her, not do the unfolding herself. When I'm scared, I just step back from the situation and avoid it.
Not all the time though, sometimes I face things head on. Sometimes I take initiative, walk to the edge of the cliff, and force myself to jump.
Again with inconsistancy.
So the other day, when I found myself speechless of a particular situation, I tried to hide from it.
That was probably a bad decision now that I think of it.
I thought I had made a decision, but then every time I see the person involved, I change my mind. That's the funny thing. I'm a big fan of the live and let die thing, but I don't feel the same way about this.
Everyone that I ask advice from says the same thing. To do what feels right for you, but that is hard for me. I've spent the majority of my life living to do things for others...to do something for me, to make my own decision? That's something I have a hard time doing.
I would like to think that this post is once again being written to the "ambiguous you" of the internet, but I know I would be wrong.
I know who I am writing to specifically, because I know they read this...and I think that this person knows who they are too.
I would like to think that I am a rational person, one who thinks things through and comes out on the other end of it all with a good decision. However, that would be a lie. In reality I'm simply inconsistant, and sometimes just plain stupid.
and yet, people accept me this way. In fact, some people like me this way.
I'm the type of person that likes to watch things unfold around her, not do the unfolding herself. When I'm scared, I just step back from the situation and avoid it.
Not all the time though, sometimes I face things head on. Sometimes I take initiative, walk to the edge of the cliff, and force myself to jump.
Again with inconsistancy.
So the other day, when I found myself speechless of a particular situation, I tried to hide from it.
That was probably a bad decision now that I think of it.
I thought I had made a decision, but then every time I see the person involved, I change my mind. That's the funny thing. I'm a big fan of the live and let die thing, but I don't feel the same way about this.
Everyone that I ask advice from says the same thing. To do what feels right for you, but that is hard for me. I've spent the majority of my life living to do things for others...to do something for me, to make my own decision? That's something I have a hard time doing.
I would like to think that this post is once again being written to the "ambiguous you" of the internet, but I know I would be wrong.
I know who I am writing to specifically, because I know they read this...and I think that this person knows who they are too.
When I Think of Home
"I think the most noble thing of them all is to do something good, and to be content with not being recognized for it."
-Mr. Arichea
Everyone kept saying the Wiz was a fitting musical, especially the seniors that were dealing with their own, personal home identity crisis at this crucial time when sooner, rather than later, they will pack up and move away from whatever they considered to be their homes.
"I mean, what is home, but a place of broken furniture, shattered dreams, faded memories..."
No. Since I moved away from my faded memories, I have discovered a new meaning of the word home, yet I don't think this really became clear to me until yesterday.
Mr. Arichea said that The Wiz made him realize where his home was, it made him connect the seemingly scattered dots together to form a picture unique to him.
I know this is the same for me too.
"When I think of home, I think of a place where there's love overflowing."
-Mr. Arichea
Everyone kept saying the Wiz was a fitting musical, especially the seniors that were dealing with their own, personal home identity crisis at this crucial time when sooner, rather than later, they will pack up and move away from whatever they considered to be their homes.
"I mean, what is home, but a place of broken furniture, shattered dreams, faded memories..."
No. Since I moved away from my faded memories, I have discovered a new meaning of the word home, yet I don't think this really became clear to me until yesterday.
Mr. Arichea said that The Wiz made him realize where his home was, it made him connect the seemingly scattered dots together to form a picture unique to him.
I know this is the same for me too.
"When I think of home, I think of a place where there's love overflowing."
Monday, February 15, 2010
Telephone Talk
"I don't answer the phone. I get the feeling whenever I do that there will be someone on the other end."
I'm not the type to talk on the telephone, I've never really enjoyed it.
I'm the type that if she thinks she has the chance will walk away from the phone and come back later to pick up the conversation.
There is just so much you can't convey, and I'm the type who likes to convey everything just the way I want it.
The written word is a great way to achieve that, so is music. I think that's why I like those things so much.
Even talking in person, body actions, facial expressions, they explain so much. There are points in converstaions where saying nothing is better than saying something, and when talking on the telephone you can't really have those without alot of awkwardness.
Alot of people assume that texting is less personal, easier to lie with, and in some ways I can see where that comes from.
If you knew what you were doing, you could get away with alot using just the right words, but I would like to believe that most people aren't like that.
I would like to think that most people don't sit around planning out every word for it's specific result, but that is kind of wishful thinking since I do that myself sometimes.
People express alot in words, even when they don't mean to.
When you know the person, it's especially easy to understand what they are feeling through a text. With some people, their texts sound like them.
I don't know, maybe it's all in my head.
Isn't that how everything goes? It could just be you and your unique snowflake of an existance, or it could be fact. I guess we will never really know.
I mean when you think about it, excluding music, because that stands on it's own...
when people want to hear and understand a story, they typically look for something more than audio.
I think out of all the various media forms we have, the radio is one of the least popular. Most people just stick with their television sets and books.
It's probably just convenience. I mean, we can't watch TV, or read while we drive, so we tune in to a talk show concerning peoples love lives, because lord knows there's no good music on the radio anymore.
We talk on the phone because it is more convenient than having to go find that person, or travel the long distance that might exist between you.
Maybe I'm just weird. I see a love of phone talking all over the place.
My sister, Anna, stays up every night til three in the morning talking to her boyfriend Jim. My friend Justin says he talks to his friend Jenny on the phone every night before he goes to sleep. My mom wants to call me every week to talk, and poor Josiah, following all the teen magazine advice he had read, called me every day for the months we were dating.
I'm just not the type, I'd rather read a letter, or a text, or better yet make that distance to talk to you in person. That could involve a road trip, and those are always fun.
But once again with necessity.
If I havn't talked to that person in a long while, and they call, I tolerate it for awhile at least, but after that while I start to get antsy and would love more than anything to get away.
I don't know, maybe I just havn't found the right person to talk to in this ever-so-popular form of communication.
Who knows, maybe someday someone will turn me onto it.
That would be the day.
I'm not the type to talk on the telephone, I've never really enjoyed it.
I'm the type that if she thinks she has the chance will walk away from the phone and come back later to pick up the conversation.
There is just so much you can't convey, and I'm the type who likes to convey everything just the way I want it.
The written word is a great way to achieve that, so is music. I think that's why I like those things so much.
Even talking in person, body actions, facial expressions, they explain so much. There are points in converstaions where saying nothing is better than saying something, and when talking on the telephone you can't really have those without alot of awkwardness.
Alot of people assume that texting is less personal, easier to lie with, and in some ways I can see where that comes from.
If you knew what you were doing, you could get away with alot using just the right words, but I would like to believe that most people aren't like that.
I would like to think that most people don't sit around planning out every word for it's specific result, but that is kind of wishful thinking since I do that myself sometimes.
People express alot in words, even when they don't mean to.
When you know the person, it's especially easy to understand what they are feeling through a text. With some people, their texts sound like them.
I don't know, maybe it's all in my head.
Isn't that how everything goes? It could just be you and your unique snowflake of an existance, or it could be fact. I guess we will never really know.
I mean when you think about it, excluding music, because that stands on it's own...
when people want to hear and understand a story, they typically look for something more than audio.
I think out of all the various media forms we have, the radio is one of the least popular. Most people just stick with their television sets and books.
It's probably just convenience. I mean, we can't watch TV, or read while we drive, so we tune in to a talk show concerning peoples love lives, because lord knows there's no good music on the radio anymore.
We talk on the phone because it is more convenient than having to go find that person, or travel the long distance that might exist between you.
Maybe I'm just weird. I see a love of phone talking all over the place.
My sister, Anna, stays up every night til three in the morning talking to her boyfriend Jim. My friend Justin says he talks to his friend Jenny on the phone every night before he goes to sleep. My mom wants to call me every week to talk, and poor Josiah, following all the teen magazine advice he had read, called me every day for the months we were dating.
I'm just not the type, I'd rather read a letter, or a text, or better yet make that distance to talk to you in person. That could involve a road trip, and those are always fun.
But once again with necessity.
If I havn't talked to that person in a long while, and they call, I tolerate it for awhile at least, but after that while I start to get antsy and would love more than anything to get away.
I don't know, maybe I just havn't found the right person to talk to in this ever-so-popular form of communication.
Who knows, maybe someday someone will turn me onto it.
That would be the day.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Summer Dreams, Ripped at the Seams
I am having a huge summer craving.
I just am jonesing to just lay out in some grass under a blue sky and listen to my music for hours. Only happy music, with a swift beat, and acoustic instruments.
I would preferably be wearing a nice pair of cloth shorts.
A good solid color, like chocolate brown, or strong navy blue perhaps; these would definitely have a nice pair of pockets on them. I can't stand to be without pockets.
A well fitting graphic tee, with a favorite band on the front, or maybe a catchy phrase.
I have this feeling, this scene in my head. Just to be under an open sky, with my favorite tunes to be the soundtrack of this memory.
...and I think I would bring someone with me. Just to talk to when the time felt just right. Inbetween the meandering, undemanded thoughts that swim through your head at a moment like this.
That would be nice...
but instead I find myself looking out the window at the snow, and craving something green, something blue, something yellow,
some happy.
I just am jonesing to just lay out in some grass under a blue sky and listen to my music for hours. Only happy music, with a swift beat, and acoustic instruments.
I would preferably be wearing a nice pair of cloth shorts.
A good solid color, like chocolate brown, or strong navy blue perhaps; these would definitely have a nice pair of pockets on them. I can't stand to be without pockets.
A well fitting graphic tee, with a favorite band on the front, or maybe a catchy phrase.
I have this feeling, this scene in my head. Just to be under an open sky, with my favorite tunes to be the soundtrack of this memory.
...and I think I would bring someone with me. Just to talk to when the time felt just right. Inbetween the meandering, undemanded thoughts that swim through your head at a moment like this.
That would be nice...
but instead I find myself looking out the window at the snow, and craving something green, something blue, something yellow,
some happy.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Spinning On Its Axis
"Chaos killed the dinosaurs darling."
Sometimes I just like to step back and realize how crazy the world is.
I don't think that should be thought upon as a bad thing though. I mean although the chaos going on around us can be overwhelming at times, it is what makes life interesting.
If we always knew what was going to happen, if we always were in complete understanding of everything at every moment, then life wouldn't be much of an experience would it?
I mean, without the various, random, sporadic moments that occur in everyone's lives, you woulnd't be friends with the same people, or listen to the same music, or have certain dear-to-your-heart experiences.
If you think about it, all of the best movie plots are of people who are caught up in the craziness of life, and have learned to embrace it.
Ferris Buellers Day Off? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? The Breakfast Club? Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist?
These are prime examples of people who ended up with something really great, all resulting from the fact that the place we live in is fucked up.
I don't know for sure, but maybe I appreciate this fact slightly more than the average person, because I grew up in a place where those moments become something you rely on.
That in combination with the fact that I can't stay in one place, or stay still for long periods of time results in this acceptance to just go with the madly spinning rotation of the earth.
When you have no planned place to go, and nowhere to plan to go, you just go anywhere. You grab some friends, pull them in the car, and drive.
Where are you going?
Good question.
The second you see something along the road you want to stop and check out further, you do. Whether it's a random abandoned dinosaur exhibit in the woods, a pretty spot along the mountains, or a skating rink in the middle of nowhere, you just go.
And when you are with the right people, or maybe even just all by yourself, you end up coming out with some of the best memories of your life.
Someone once asked me if I had noticed any major differences between people in Shippensburg and people in Denver, and I can't help but see one of the more obvious.
That the people, or at least the people I found myself friends with, are a rediculous amount more random than those I am with now.
I'm not talking about day to day conversations and activities, those are really the same.
But when it comes to the weekend, or long summer days, my friends back east know how to just do the weirdest shit.
Just the other day, I got an mms from a friend of mine of a jar of pickles strapped into the car with a seatbelt.
When I asked him what he was doing with a jar of pickles, he replied...
"We are running around town taking pictures with the pickle jar.."
Maybe not to you, but to me, this sounds rediculously fun.
Even when you don't do something in particular, if you can't find a place on the side of the road to stop, you just spend hours in the car driving around nowhere.
And when you do that, you find yourself talking about the weirdest things, and playing the weirdest games, and singing your favorite songs, and soon enough you definitely find out what your favorite beverage from the convenience store is.
I will always love a good Bubblegum Jone's Soda, or a Dragonfruit Vitaminwater, hah.
If you didn't go with what life seems to punch you in the face with, you wouldn't have those moments when you realize that someone really cares about you.
If we didn't experience grief, or these moments we find ourselves in, when we just can't stop feeling stressed, or down, or distracted we would never be able to see the feelings others have toward us.
I mean, we have all experinced it.
That time when you were so stressed about something that you just wanted to crawl into a hole and die, and someone you know steps in and realizes without provocation that something is wrong.
And they know just the right thing to say, and even if you didn't know it before, you now understand that whoever that person is, they care.
That's always a nice feeling. Even for someone who sometimes runs away from that attention like me.
If you didn't click on that random youtube link, you might have never found your favorite band.
If you didn't make those cookies, you wouldn't have found one of your best friends.
If you didn't take that offer to move across the country, even though you didn't plan on it at all...
You wouldn't have found your life.
Sometimes I just like to step back and realize how crazy the world is.
I don't think that should be thought upon as a bad thing though. I mean although the chaos going on around us can be overwhelming at times, it is what makes life interesting.
If we always knew what was going to happen, if we always were in complete understanding of everything at every moment, then life wouldn't be much of an experience would it?
I mean, without the various, random, sporadic moments that occur in everyone's lives, you woulnd't be friends with the same people, or listen to the same music, or have certain dear-to-your-heart experiences.
If you think about it, all of the best movie plots are of people who are caught up in the craziness of life, and have learned to embrace it.
Ferris Buellers Day Off? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? The Breakfast Club? Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist?
These are prime examples of people who ended up with something really great, all resulting from the fact that the place we live in is fucked up.
I don't know for sure, but maybe I appreciate this fact slightly more than the average person, because I grew up in a place where those moments become something you rely on.
That in combination with the fact that I can't stay in one place, or stay still for long periods of time results in this acceptance to just go with the madly spinning rotation of the earth.
When you have no planned place to go, and nowhere to plan to go, you just go anywhere. You grab some friends, pull them in the car, and drive.
Where are you going?
Good question.
The second you see something along the road you want to stop and check out further, you do. Whether it's a random abandoned dinosaur exhibit in the woods, a pretty spot along the mountains, or a skating rink in the middle of nowhere, you just go.
And when you are with the right people, or maybe even just all by yourself, you end up coming out with some of the best memories of your life.
Someone once asked me if I had noticed any major differences between people in Shippensburg and people in Denver, and I can't help but see one of the more obvious.
That the people, or at least the people I found myself friends with, are a rediculous amount more random than those I am with now.
I'm not talking about day to day conversations and activities, those are really the same.
But when it comes to the weekend, or long summer days, my friends back east know how to just do the weirdest shit.
Just the other day, I got an mms from a friend of mine of a jar of pickles strapped into the car with a seatbelt.
When I asked him what he was doing with a jar of pickles, he replied...
"We are running around town taking pictures with the pickle jar.."
Maybe not to you, but to me, this sounds rediculously fun.
Even when you don't do something in particular, if you can't find a place on the side of the road to stop, you just spend hours in the car driving around nowhere.
And when you do that, you find yourself talking about the weirdest things, and playing the weirdest games, and singing your favorite songs, and soon enough you definitely find out what your favorite beverage from the convenience store is.
I will always love a good Bubblegum Jone's Soda, or a Dragonfruit Vitaminwater, hah.
If you didn't go with what life seems to punch you in the face with, you wouldn't have those moments when you realize that someone really cares about you.
If we didn't experience grief, or these moments we find ourselves in, when we just can't stop feeling stressed, or down, or distracted we would never be able to see the feelings others have toward us.
I mean, we have all experinced it.
That time when you were so stressed about something that you just wanted to crawl into a hole and die, and someone you know steps in and realizes without provocation that something is wrong.
And they know just the right thing to say, and even if you didn't know it before, you now understand that whoever that person is, they care.
That's always a nice feeling. Even for someone who sometimes runs away from that attention like me.
If you didn't click on that random youtube link, you might have never found your favorite band.
If you didn't make those cookies, you wouldn't have found one of your best friends.
If you didn't take that offer to move across the country, even though you didn't plan on it at all...
You wouldn't have found your life.
Film Fantastic
One of the things I bond over the most with people are movies. Sometimes they are just one of the best passtimes to relate over.
It's one of the things my dad and I do all the time, watch movies.
We typically like the same stuff, so it's just another reason why we relate so well.
I like movies that tell a story, the type of story that makes you think. I'm not a big fan of movies that have no plot, or are all about the blood and gore. Nor am I a huge fan of those that focus on cheesy romance. I like origional stories.
I mean, I've said before that I like things that are unique, and I meant it.
Here are some of my favorite movie quotes.
"I kept asking Clarence why our world seemed to be collapsing and things seemed to be getting so shitty. And he'd say, "that's the way it goes, but don't forget, it goes the other way too." That's the way romance is... Usually, that's the way it goes, but every once in awhile, it goes the other way too."
-Alabama, True Romance
"People will look at the ashes of Westerburg and say, "Now there's a school that self-destructed, not because society didn't care, but because the school was society." Now that's deep."
-JD, Heathers
"Joel, I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.
I remember that speech really well.
I had you pegged, didn't I?
You had the whole human race pegged."
-Joel and Clementine, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
"I want you to take a chance, and trust me, and tell me what happened to you.
Okay. My family got shot down by D.E.A. officers because of a drug problem. I left with the greatest guy on earth. He was a hit man — the best in town. But he died this morning... and if you don't help me, I'll be dead by tonight."
Mathilda, The Professional
"Instead he just uses it as an excuse to put his testicles all over me!
Sorry, what?
Uh, how you say... octopus... testicles.
No, tentacles. N-T. There's a big Difference."
Monique and Lane, Better off Dead
"I just honestly don't know what I have in common with those people anymore... or with anyone, really. I mean, they'll all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they'll have made themselves a part of something, and they can talk about what they do. And what am I going to say? "I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How have you been?" I just think it'll be depressing."
-Martin, Grosse Point Blank
"No one wants to die Harold, unfortunately we do. Harold, Harold listen to me. Harold, you will die, some day, some time; heart failure at the bank, choke on a mint. Some long drawn-out disease you've contracted on vacation, you will die. You will absolutely die. Even if you avoid this death, another will find you. And I guarantee, that it won't be nearly as poetic or as meaningful as what she's written. I'm sorry but it's...it's the nature of all tragedies Harold. The hero dies, and the story goes on forever."
-Professor Jules Hilbert, Stranger than Fiction
"Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. And then, one not-so-very special day, I went to my typewriter, I sat down, and I wrote our story. A story about a time, a story about a place, a story about the people. But above all things, a story about love. A love that will live forever. The End."
-Christian, Moulin Rouge
"Yeah, you just take Soupy Sales to prom. I can think of so many cooler things to do that night. Like, you know what Bleek? I might pumice my feet, uh, I might go to Bren's dumb Unitarian Church, maybe get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice, you know? 'Cause all those things would be exponentially cooler than going to prom with you!"
-Juno, Juno
"You are not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world."
-Tyler Durden, Fight Club
"Voila! In view humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the “vox populi” now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin, van guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.
The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.
Verily this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it’s my very good honour to meet you and you may call me V.
Are you a crazy person?
I'm quite sure they will say so."
Evey and V, V for Vendetta
"The whole book's gender-biased. A woman's responsible for original sin. A woman cuts Samson's coif of power. A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist. Read that book again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined."
-Serendipity, Dogma
"There's only one reason Christian girls come down to the Planned Parenthood!
She's planting a pipe bomb!?
Well, two reasons.
With Dean? I think there's a better chance of that pipe bomb."
-Roland and Cassandra, Saved
"My name is Harvey Milk and I'm here to recruit you! I want to recruit you in the fight to preserve your democracy! My brothers and sisters you must come out! Come out to your parents, come out to your friends — if indeed they are your friends! Come out to your neighbors! Come out to your fellow workers! Once and for all, let's break down the myths and destroy the lies and distortions!"
-Harvey, Milk
"Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is... Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. They we're not perfect, but they were my friends and by the '70s, most of them were out living lives. Some I've seen, some never again, but there isn't a day my heart doesn't find them."
-Susanna, Girl Interrpted
"Your brain is meat, and rots and disappears. Do you really think that's all there was to you? Like you're in your house right now. You're in your house, that doesn't mean you are your house. House falls down, you get out and walk away."
-Albert, What Dreams May Come
"Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner;' there's a double meaning in that!"
-Benedick, Much Ado About Nothing
It's one of the things my dad and I do all the time, watch movies.
We typically like the same stuff, so it's just another reason why we relate so well.
I like movies that tell a story, the type of story that makes you think. I'm not a big fan of movies that have no plot, or are all about the blood and gore. Nor am I a huge fan of those that focus on cheesy romance. I like origional stories.
I mean, I've said before that I like things that are unique, and I meant it.
Here are some of my favorite movie quotes.
"I kept asking Clarence why our world seemed to be collapsing and things seemed to be getting so shitty. And he'd say, "that's the way it goes, but don't forget, it goes the other way too." That's the way romance is... Usually, that's the way it goes, but every once in awhile, it goes the other way too."
-Alabama, True Romance
"People will look at the ashes of Westerburg and say, "Now there's a school that self-destructed, not because society didn't care, but because the school was society." Now that's deep."
-JD, Heathers
"Joel, I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.
I remember that speech really well.
I had you pegged, didn't I?
You had the whole human race pegged."
-Joel and Clementine, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
"I want you to take a chance, and trust me, and tell me what happened to you.
Okay. My family got shot down by D.E.A. officers because of a drug problem. I left with the greatest guy on earth. He was a hit man — the best in town. But he died this morning... and if you don't help me, I'll be dead by tonight."
Mathilda, The Professional
"Instead he just uses it as an excuse to put his testicles all over me!
Sorry, what?
Uh, how you say... octopus... testicles.
No, tentacles. N-T. There's a big Difference."
Monique and Lane, Better off Dead
"I just honestly don't know what I have in common with those people anymore... or with anyone, really. I mean, they'll all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they'll have made themselves a part of something, and they can talk about what they do. And what am I going to say? "I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How have you been?" I just think it'll be depressing."
-Martin, Grosse Point Blank
"No one wants to die Harold, unfortunately we do. Harold, Harold listen to me. Harold, you will die, some day, some time; heart failure at the bank, choke on a mint. Some long drawn-out disease you've contracted on vacation, you will die. You will absolutely die. Even if you avoid this death, another will find you. And I guarantee, that it won't be nearly as poetic or as meaningful as what she's written. I'm sorry but it's...it's the nature of all tragedies Harold. The hero dies, and the story goes on forever."
-Professor Jules Hilbert, Stranger than Fiction
"Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. And then, one not-so-very special day, I went to my typewriter, I sat down, and I wrote our story. A story about a time, a story about a place, a story about the people. But above all things, a story about love. A love that will live forever. The End."
-Christian, Moulin Rouge
"Yeah, you just take Soupy Sales to prom. I can think of so many cooler things to do that night. Like, you know what Bleek? I might pumice my feet, uh, I might go to Bren's dumb Unitarian Church, maybe get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice, you know? 'Cause all those things would be exponentially cooler than going to prom with you!"
-Juno, Juno
"You are not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world."
-Tyler Durden, Fight Club
"Voila! In view humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the “vox populi” now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin, van guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.
The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.
Verily this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it’s my very good honour to meet you and you may call me V.
Are you a crazy person?
I'm quite sure they will say so."
Evey and V, V for Vendetta
"The whole book's gender-biased. A woman's responsible for original sin. A woman cuts Samson's coif of power. A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist. Read that book again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined."
-Serendipity, Dogma
"There's only one reason Christian girls come down to the Planned Parenthood!
She's planting a pipe bomb!?
Well, two reasons.
With Dean? I think there's a better chance of that pipe bomb."
-Roland and Cassandra, Saved
"My name is Harvey Milk and I'm here to recruit you! I want to recruit you in the fight to preserve your democracy! My brothers and sisters you must come out! Come out to your parents, come out to your friends — if indeed they are your friends! Come out to your neighbors! Come out to your fellow workers! Once and for all, let's break down the myths and destroy the lies and distortions!"
-Harvey, Milk
"Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is... Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. They we're not perfect, but they were my friends and by the '70s, most of them were out living lives. Some I've seen, some never again, but there isn't a day my heart doesn't find them."
-Susanna, Girl Interrpted
"Your brain is meat, and rots and disappears. Do you really think that's all there was to you? Like you're in your house right now. You're in your house, that doesn't mean you are your house. House falls down, you get out and walk away."
-Albert, What Dreams May Come
"Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner;' there's a double meaning in that!"
-Benedick, Much Ado About Nothing
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Words, Not of My Own
Shakespeare is one of my favorite people in the world.
Even if he didn't exist, the works associated with him still do...and honestly, that is the important part. At least to me.
His plays are indeed some of the most amazing things to find yourself reading.
But it is The Sonnets that really are cause for interest. As if the poetic beauty of it wasn't enough, there are so many theories as to why they were even written that are just fascinating. There is no other way to put it really.
I never considered myself a romantic until I fell in love with the Sonnets.
I guess it's hard to explain without you seeing what my favorites are...so here you go, the ambiguous you to which I write ever so frequently. My favorite Sonnets.
Not in any particular order, mind you, just numerical order.
60
Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore,
So do our minutes hasten to their end,
Each changing place with that which goes before;
In sequent toil all forwards do contend.
Nativity, once in the main of light,
Crawls to maturity, wherewith being crowned
Crooked eclipses 'gainst his glory fight,
And time that gave doth now his gift confound.
Time doth transfix and flourish set on youth,
And delves the parallels in beauty's brow;
Feeds on the rarities of nature's truth,
And nothing stands but for his scythe to mow.
And yet to times in hope my verse shall stand,
Praising thy worth despite his cruel hand.
71
No longer mourn for me when I am dead
Than you shall hear the surly sullen bell
Give warning to the world that I am fled
From this vile world with vilest worms to dwell.
Nay, if you read this line, remember not
The hand that writ it; for I love you so
That I in your sweet thoughts would be forgot
If thinking on me then should make you woe.
O, if, I say, you look upon this verse
When I perhaps compounded am with clay,
Do not so much as my poor name rehearse,
But let your love even with my life decay,
Lest the wise world should look into your moan
And mock you with me after I am gone.
72
O, lest the world should task you to recite
What merit lived in me that you should love,
After my death, dear love, forget me quite;
For you in me can nothing worthy prove-
Unless you would devise some virtuous lie
To do more for me than mine own desert,
And hang more praise upon deceased I
Than niggard truth would willingly impart.
O, lest your true love may seem false in this,
That you for love speak well of me untrue,
My name be buried where my body is,
And live no more to same nor me nor you;
For I am shamed by that which I bring forth,
And so should you, to love things nothing worth.
81
Or shall I live your epitaph to make,
Or you survive when I in earth am rotten.
From hence your memory death cannot take,
Although in me each part will be forgotten.
Your name from hence immortal life shall have,
Though I, once gone, to all the world must die.
The earth can yield me but a common grave
When you entombed in men's eyes shall lie.
Your momentum shall be my gentle verse,
Which eyes not yet created shall o'er-read,
And tongues to be your being shall rehearse
When all the breathers of this world are dead.
You still shall live-such virtue hath my pen-
Where breath most breathes, even in moths of men.
90 (one of my top favorites)
Then hate me when thou wilt, if ever, now,
Now while the world is bent my deeds to cross,
Join with the spite of fortune, make me bow,
And do not drop in or an after-loss.
And do not, when my heart hath scaped this sorrow,
Come in the rearward of conquered woe;
Give not a windy night a rainy morrow
To linger out a purposed overthrow.
If thou wilt leave me, do not leave me last,
When other petty griefs have done their spite,
But in the onset come; so shall I taste
At first the very worst o fortune's might,
And other strains of woe, which now seem woe,
Compared with loss of thee will not seem so.
92 (another top favorite)
But do thy worst to steal thyself away,
For term of life thou art assured mine,
And life no longer than thy love will stay,
For it depends upon that love of thine.
Then need I not to fear the worst of wrongs
When in the least o them my life hath end.
I see a better state to me belongs
Than that which on thy humour doth depend.
Thou canst not vex me with inconstant mind,
Since that my life on thy revolt doth lie.
O, what a happy title do I find-
Happy to have thy love, happy to die!
But what's so blessed fair that fears no blot?
Thou mayst be false, and yet I know it not.
109 (<3)
O never say that I was false of heart,
Though absence seemed my flame to qualify-
As easy might I from myself depart,
As from my soul, where in thy breast doth lie.
That is my home of love. If I have ranged,
Like him that travels I return again,
Just to the time, not with the time exchanged,
So that myself bring water for my stain.
Never believe, though in my nature reigned
All frailties that besiege all kinds of blood,
That it could so preposterously be stained
To leave for nothing all thy sum of good;
For nothing this wide universe I call
Save thou my rose; in it thou art my all.
116 (I have this one memorized)
Let me not the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring barque,
Whose worth's unknown although his height be taken.
Love's not time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
121 (top favorites)
'Tis better to be vile than vile esteemed
When not to be receives reproach of being,
And the just pleasure lost, which is so deemed
Not by our feeling but by others' seeing.
For why should others' false adulterate eyes
Give salutation to my sportive blood?
Or on my frailties why are frailer spies,
Which in their wills count bad what I think good?
No, I am that I am, and they that level
At my abuses reckon up their own.
I may be straight, though they themselves be bevel;
By their rank thoughts my deeds must not be shown,
Unless this general evil they maintain:
All men are bad and in their badness reign.
141
In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes,
For they in thee a thousand errors note;
But 'tis my heart that loves what they despise,
Who in despite of view is pleased to dote.
Nor are mine ears with thy tongue's tune delighted,
Nor tender feeling to base touches prone;
Nor taste nor smell desire to be invited
To any sensual feast with thee alone;
But my five wits, nor my five sense can
Dissuade one foolish heart from serving thee,
Who leaves unswayed the likeness of a man.
Thy proud heart's slave and vassal-wretch to be.
Only my plague thus far I count my gain:
That she that makes me sin awards me pain.
145 (top favorite)
Those lips that love's own hand did make
Breathed forth the sound that said 'I hate'
To me that languished for her sake;
But when she saw my woeful state,
Straight in her heart did mercy come,
Chiding that tongue that ever sweet
Was used in giving gentle doom,
And taught it thus anew to greet:
'I hate' she altered with an end
That followed it as gentle day
Doth follow night who, like a fiend,
From heaven to hell is flown away.
'I hate' from hate away she threw,
and saved my life, saying 'not you.'
Just some enlightenment for you. Amazing how so many situations that happen in my life can apply to these sets of sixteen lines.
Sometimes your own words can't really describe what you want to say.
Thank god for Shakespeare.
Even if he didn't exist, the works associated with him still do...and honestly, that is the important part. At least to me.
His plays are indeed some of the most amazing things to find yourself reading.
But it is The Sonnets that really are cause for interest. As if the poetic beauty of it wasn't enough, there are so many theories as to why they were even written that are just fascinating. There is no other way to put it really.
I never considered myself a romantic until I fell in love with the Sonnets.
I guess it's hard to explain without you seeing what my favorites are...so here you go, the ambiguous you to which I write ever so frequently. My favorite Sonnets.
Not in any particular order, mind you, just numerical order.
60
Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore,
So do our minutes hasten to their end,
Each changing place with that which goes before;
In sequent toil all forwards do contend.
Nativity, once in the main of light,
Crawls to maturity, wherewith being crowned
Crooked eclipses 'gainst his glory fight,
And time that gave doth now his gift confound.
Time doth transfix and flourish set on youth,
And delves the parallels in beauty's brow;
Feeds on the rarities of nature's truth,
And nothing stands but for his scythe to mow.
And yet to times in hope my verse shall stand,
Praising thy worth despite his cruel hand.
71
No longer mourn for me when I am dead
Than you shall hear the surly sullen bell
Give warning to the world that I am fled
From this vile world with vilest worms to dwell.
Nay, if you read this line, remember not
The hand that writ it; for I love you so
That I in your sweet thoughts would be forgot
If thinking on me then should make you woe.
O, if, I say, you look upon this verse
When I perhaps compounded am with clay,
Do not so much as my poor name rehearse,
But let your love even with my life decay,
Lest the wise world should look into your moan
And mock you with me after I am gone.
72
O, lest the world should task you to recite
What merit lived in me that you should love,
After my death, dear love, forget me quite;
For you in me can nothing worthy prove-
Unless you would devise some virtuous lie
To do more for me than mine own desert,
And hang more praise upon deceased I
Than niggard truth would willingly impart.
O, lest your true love may seem false in this,
That you for love speak well of me untrue,
My name be buried where my body is,
And live no more to same nor me nor you;
For I am shamed by that which I bring forth,
And so should you, to love things nothing worth.
81
Or shall I live your epitaph to make,
Or you survive when I in earth am rotten.
From hence your memory death cannot take,
Although in me each part will be forgotten.
Your name from hence immortal life shall have,
Though I, once gone, to all the world must die.
The earth can yield me but a common grave
When you entombed in men's eyes shall lie.
Your momentum shall be my gentle verse,
Which eyes not yet created shall o'er-read,
And tongues to be your being shall rehearse
When all the breathers of this world are dead.
You still shall live-such virtue hath my pen-
Where breath most breathes, even in moths of men.
90 (one of my top favorites)
Then hate me when thou wilt, if ever, now,
Now while the world is bent my deeds to cross,
Join with the spite of fortune, make me bow,
And do not drop in or an after-loss.
And do not, when my heart hath scaped this sorrow,
Come in the rearward of conquered woe;
Give not a windy night a rainy morrow
To linger out a purposed overthrow.
If thou wilt leave me, do not leave me last,
When other petty griefs have done their spite,
But in the onset come; so shall I taste
At first the very worst o fortune's might,
And other strains of woe, which now seem woe,
Compared with loss of thee will not seem so.
92 (another top favorite)
But do thy worst to steal thyself away,
For term of life thou art assured mine,
And life no longer than thy love will stay,
For it depends upon that love of thine.
Then need I not to fear the worst of wrongs
When in the least o them my life hath end.
I see a better state to me belongs
Than that which on thy humour doth depend.
Thou canst not vex me with inconstant mind,
Since that my life on thy revolt doth lie.
O, what a happy title do I find-
Happy to have thy love, happy to die!
But what's so blessed fair that fears no blot?
Thou mayst be false, and yet I know it not.
109 (<3)
O never say that I was false of heart,
Though absence seemed my flame to qualify-
As easy might I from myself depart,
As from my soul, where in thy breast doth lie.
That is my home of love. If I have ranged,
Like him that travels I return again,
Just to the time, not with the time exchanged,
So that myself bring water for my stain.
Never believe, though in my nature reigned
All frailties that besiege all kinds of blood,
That it could so preposterously be stained
To leave for nothing all thy sum of good;
For nothing this wide universe I call
Save thou my rose; in it thou art my all.
116 (I have this one memorized)
Let me not the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring barque,
Whose worth's unknown although his height be taken.
Love's not time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
121 (top favorites)
'Tis better to be vile than vile esteemed
When not to be receives reproach of being,
And the just pleasure lost, which is so deemed
Not by our feeling but by others' seeing.
For why should others' false adulterate eyes
Give salutation to my sportive blood?
Or on my frailties why are frailer spies,
Which in their wills count bad what I think good?
No, I am that I am, and they that level
At my abuses reckon up their own.
I may be straight, though they themselves be bevel;
By their rank thoughts my deeds must not be shown,
Unless this general evil they maintain:
All men are bad and in their badness reign.
141
In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes,
For they in thee a thousand errors note;
But 'tis my heart that loves what they despise,
Who in despite of view is pleased to dote.
Nor are mine ears with thy tongue's tune delighted,
Nor tender feeling to base touches prone;
Nor taste nor smell desire to be invited
To any sensual feast with thee alone;
But my five wits, nor my five sense can
Dissuade one foolish heart from serving thee,
Who leaves unswayed the likeness of a man.
Thy proud heart's slave and vassal-wretch to be.
Only my plague thus far I count my gain:
That she that makes me sin awards me pain.
145 (top favorite)
Those lips that love's own hand did make
Breathed forth the sound that said 'I hate'
To me that languished for her sake;
But when she saw my woeful state,
Straight in her heart did mercy come,
Chiding that tongue that ever sweet
Was used in giving gentle doom,
And taught it thus anew to greet:
'I hate' she altered with an end
That followed it as gentle day
Doth follow night who, like a fiend,
From heaven to hell is flown away.
'I hate' from hate away she threw,
and saved my life, saying 'not you.'
Just some enlightenment for you. Amazing how so many situations that happen in my life can apply to these sets of sixteen lines.
Sometimes your own words can't really describe what you want to say.
Thank god for Shakespeare.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Your Perception Changed
"You're the echoes of my everything. You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night. You're the laziness of afternoon. You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom. How will I break the news to you?"
-Motion City Soundtrack, Hold Me Down
I supposed telepathy is what I would like to apply to this situation.
People are so confusing, they say one thing and mean another, and although I see this in myself constantly and know the reasoning behind my own indecision and ambiguous nature-
I still find myself at a loss understanding other people's.
-Motion City Soundtrack, Hold Me Down
I supposed telepathy is what I would like to apply to this situation.
People are so confusing, they say one thing and mean another, and although I see this in myself constantly and know the reasoning behind my own indecision and ambiguous nature-
I still find myself at a loss understanding other people's.
Confusion is For Lack of a Better Description, Confusing
"Save for a few of those late night episodes, missed opportunities that I don't care. There's not alot that I feel obliged to share, or talk about."
-Motion City Soundtrack, Hold Me Down
It find it important to note,
that the second you think you have figured someone out
the second you think you understand them
they change on you.
Whether it is intentionally planned or not, it sure as hell is confusing.
I mean just the other day, two people that I thought I understood changed before my eyes in a span of three hours.
I know that this probably happens to other people when they look at me.
After going through a fight with one of my friends over the summer, I discussed this with my friend Jake.
"You have layers of personality, and people don't really understand that. When they get to a layer they didn't expect they panic."
So I shouldn't really be surprised that other people are the same.
Or maybe, it is the perspective of the viewer that changes. I mean, I may view someone as something one day, and my perspective might change and I discover something new. It may have always been there, in fact, it probably was always there, but if you have chosen to ignore it all this time, no wonder it's a surprise.
Everyone has to be honest for a moment and understand that we don't treat all of our friends equally.
Quite the contrary, actually.
I mean we all make the differentiation between our best friends and our cool-to-hang-out-with-friends, but even within our best friends circle (particularly for girls) we have designated roles for different friends.
I admit to doing exactly that.
I don't seperate into, "which friends are best-er friends," but I have certain friends that I only really talk about certain things with.
I have a friend I talk about boy stuff with,
A friend to talk about my family issues,
friends that I focus my "deeper discussions"
and then there are some that I talk about everything with.
and then there are those that I consider closer to me that I talk about nothing with. Funny, huh?
Well just recently I have had two people tell me that their opinion of me, their view of me has changed.
Dramatically.
and I accept this...
So is it okay for me to still be utterly confused by it?
-Motion City Soundtrack, Hold Me Down
It find it important to note,
that the second you think you have figured someone out
the second you think you understand them
they change on you.
Whether it is intentionally planned or not, it sure as hell is confusing.
I mean just the other day, two people that I thought I understood changed before my eyes in a span of three hours.
I know that this probably happens to other people when they look at me.
After going through a fight with one of my friends over the summer, I discussed this with my friend Jake.
"You have layers of personality, and people don't really understand that. When they get to a layer they didn't expect they panic."
So I shouldn't really be surprised that other people are the same.
Or maybe, it is the perspective of the viewer that changes. I mean, I may view someone as something one day, and my perspective might change and I discover something new. It may have always been there, in fact, it probably was always there, but if you have chosen to ignore it all this time, no wonder it's a surprise.
Everyone has to be honest for a moment and understand that we don't treat all of our friends equally.
Quite the contrary, actually.
I mean we all make the differentiation between our best friends and our cool-to-hang-out-with-friends, but even within our best friends circle (particularly for girls) we have designated roles for different friends.
I admit to doing exactly that.
I don't seperate into, "which friends are best-er friends," but I have certain friends that I only really talk about certain things with.
I have a friend I talk about boy stuff with,
A friend to talk about my family issues,
friends that I focus my "deeper discussions"
and then there are some that I talk about everything with.
and then there are those that I consider closer to me that I talk about nothing with. Funny, huh?
Well just recently I have had two people tell me that their opinion of me, their view of me has changed.
Dramatically.
and I accept this...
So is it okay for me to still be utterly confused by it?
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Still Fighting It
"Everybody knows it hurts to grow up, but everybody does, so weird to be back here. Let me tell you what, the years go on and we're still fighting, and we're still fighting it. You try, and try, and some day, I'll fly away from here."
-Ben Folds
The other day I found myself passing a jewelry store in the mall, and a thought snuck up on me.
I'm not the type to go under the effects of a romantic speal of thoughts, but for whatever reason the stereotypical teenage girl got the best of me.
I caught myself thinking that not too far into the future, some guy is going to bend down on one knee and give me one of those god damn rediculous rings.
Funny, that if I were to ever get that ring, I wouldn't think it as being rediculous. I would probably see the beauty in the thing, whether it actually falls under the socially acceptable definition of pretty or not.
At this point I started doing some math in my head.
I am currently sixteen years old.
The majority of the population get, on average, engaged around the age of twentyfive.
25-16=9
Holy shit.
I remember a time when I used to watch The Sound of Music with my older sister, Anna. We would love the part when Ralph sings his ever so famous tune...
"You are sixteen, going on seventeen-"
We would be sitting on the couch, or my parents bed, and I remember thinking that I would never get that old. How far away sixteen seemed, and how mature the characters of that age were to me.
Even beyond the sound of music. Ariel, from The Little Mermaid is only 16. Aurora, from Sleeping Beauty, is 16, and Snow White (although the worst Disney Princess in my opinion that I will divulge on in a later blog post) is 15 years old.
The fact that these girls have found their Prince Charmings at such a young age seems like the most rediculous thing I have ever heard. Especailly now that I am that age.
I cannot, in any way, imagine being carried off by my one true love at the age I am now.
Yet, I see people who have.
My mom did it, seventeen and married, but even so, that was back in the old days...a historic period entitled the eighties.
But now things have started to hit home.
My sister, for example, has found the guy that, she says, is the love of her life.
She has planned out her kids names and her entire wedding reception. Even so, her love, although very real, is still far from the point where she will actually say, "I do." at any alter.
and then there is Chelsea.
My friend of almost ten years is getting married.
I find it extremely rediculous that in a short year I will be wearing a bridesmaid's dress, and giving a speech at the wedding for a girl that I played ponies with a few short years ago.
It is hard for me to believe that this is actually happening.
The question, I think at this point, becomes "Which do I want to be treated as, an adult or a child?"
Ben Folds was right, growing up sucks.
Maybe I will just keep fighting it.
-Ben Folds
The other day I found myself passing a jewelry store in the mall, and a thought snuck up on me.
I'm not the type to go under the effects of a romantic speal of thoughts, but for whatever reason the stereotypical teenage girl got the best of me.
I caught myself thinking that not too far into the future, some guy is going to bend down on one knee and give me one of those god damn rediculous rings.
Funny, that if I were to ever get that ring, I wouldn't think it as being rediculous. I would probably see the beauty in the thing, whether it actually falls under the socially acceptable definition of pretty or not.
At this point I started doing some math in my head.
I am currently sixteen years old.
The majority of the population get, on average, engaged around the age of twentyfive.
25-16=9
Holy shit.
I remember a time when I used to watch The Sound of Music with my older sister, Anna. We would love the part when Ralph sings his ever so famous tune...
"You are sixteen, going on seventeen-"
We would be sitting on the couch, or my parents bed, and I remember thinking that I would never get that old. How far away sixteen seemed, and how mature the characters of that age were to me.
Even beyond the sound of music. Ariel, from The Little Mermaid is only 16. Aurora, from Sleeping Beauty, is 16, and Snow White (although the worst Disney Princess in my opinion that I will divulge on in a later blog post) is 15 years old.
The fact that these girls have found their Prince Charmings at such a young age seems like the most rediculous thing I have ever heard. Especailly now that I am that age.
I cannot, in any way, imagine being carried off by my one true love at the age I am now.
Yet, I see people who have.
My mom did it, seventeen and married, but even so, that was back in the old days...a historic period entitled the eighties.
But now things have started to hit home.
My sister, for example, has found the guy that, she says, is the love of her life.
She has planned out her kids names and her entire wedding reception. Even so, her love, although very real, is still far from the point where she will actually say, "I do." at any alter.
and then there is Chelsea.
My friend of almost ten years is getting married.
I find it extremely rediculous that in a short year I will be wearing a bridesmaid's dress, and giving a speech at the wedding for a girl that I played ponies with a few short years ago.
It is hard for me to believe that this is actually happening.
The question, I think at this point, becomes "Which do I want to be treated as, an adult or a child?"
Ben Folds was right, growing up sucks.
Maybe I will just keep fighting it.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Self Reliance
I have had alot of talks recently about how I live my life.
How I bend to everyone else, just to keep everyone around me happy. How I have lived my whole life trying to repent for sins I never committed. How my sense of loyalty towards others gets the best of me.
I mean, there are definitely some salvagable things, I mean. I find myself to be a really good person for the most part. I love certain aspects about myself, things I wouldn't trade for the world.
I can still keep those things and still learn something new.
I can stay in touch with myself while discovering a new way of life.
It is time for me to gain self-confidence, and to know that, yes, I am important enough to stand up for.
Someone told me once that standing up for yourself, knowing your own self worth, is one of the most important things out there. It is what transitions you from a life of "good enoughs" to what you actually want.
And that is what my problem seemed to root itself to.
I was stuck in this idea that life is just something to get by. That other people define me, and that in my head. I was defined to be just "good enough."
and then I was introduced to what someone once called the "do it yourself ethic"
DIY
wikipedia says that the DIY ethic refers to the ethic of being self-reliant by completing tasks oneself as opposed to having others who are more experienced or able to complete them for you. It promotes the idea that an ordinary person can learn to do more than he or seh thought was possible. Naturally, a DIY attitude requires that teh adherent attain the knowledge required to complete a given task. Without this DIY is not an effective dogma. The term can refer to "doing" anything at all, including creative endeavors.
Rather than belittling or showing disdain for knowledge or expertise, DIY champions the average individual seeking knowledge and expertise for him/herself. INstead of using the services of others who have expertise. a DIY oriented person would seek out the knowledge for him/herself.
To do this, one needs to belive in themselves. One needs to figure out that they are important.
You would think that if I were willing to put this on my blog, it would be true for me.
But this is not the case...
Yes, I can see and hear the words, but I am still having trouble figuring out how this fits into my life, with who I am.
But now I have something to kind of aspire to.
I will soon figure out how to mesh the two lives, the two aspects of myself together to get this "happy harmony of DIY and me."
I hope this is easier than it sounds.
How I bend to everyone else, just to keep everyone around me happy. How I have lived my whole life trying to repent for sins I never committed. How my sense of loyalty towards others gets the best of me.
I mean, there are definitely some salvagable things, I mean. I find myself to be a really good person for the most part. I love certain aspects about myself, things I wouldn't trade for the world.
I can still keep those things and still learn something new.
I can stay in touch with myself while discovering a new way of life.
It is time for me to gain self-confidence, and to know that, yes, I am important enough to stand up for.
Someone told me once that standing up for yourself, knowing your own self worth, is one of the most important things out there. It is what transitions you from a life of "good enoughs" to what you actually want.
And that is what my problem seemed to root itself to.
I was stuck in this idea that life is just something to get by. That other people define me, and that in my head. I was defined to be just "good enough."
and then I was introduced to what someone once called the "do it yourself ethic"
DIY
wikipedia says that the DIY ethic refers to the ethic of being self-reliant by completing tasks oneself as opposed to having others who are more experienced or able to complete them for you. It promotes the idea that an ordinary person can learn to do more than he or seh thought was possible. Naturally, a DIY attitude requires that teh adherent attain the knowledge required to complete a given task. Without this DIY is not an effective dogma. The term can refer to "doing" anything at all, including creative endeavors.
Rather than belittling or showing disdain for knowledge or expertise, DIY champions the average individual seeking knowledge and expertise for him/herself. INstead of using the services of others who have expertise. a DIY oriented person would seek out the knowledge for him/herself.
To do this, one needs to belive in themselves. One needs to figure out that they are important.
You would think that if I were willing to put this on my blog, it would be true for me.
But this is not the case...
Yes, I can see and hear the words, but I am still having trouble figuring out how this fits into my life, with who I am.
But now I have something to kind of aspire to.
I will soon figure out how to mesh the two lives, the two aspects of myself together to get this "happy harmony of DIY and me."
I hope this is easier than it sounds.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
End Quote
A hint to what I have been listening to.
"Don't you wanna ride in my survival car? We can take the long way home through central park. Funny how the ground can find my wheels, I'm going where the road ain't there. Riding on the path we made to Union Square.
-Fountains of Wayne
"Or maybe she's already dead, and maybe she's gone to Mars. Maybe we could even write her epitaph in the stars. It'd say 'If you go away from here; if you go a million miles."
-Marcy Playground
"I'll stop the world and melt with you. You've seen the difference, and it's getting better all the time. There's nothing you and I won't do. I'll stop the world and melt with you."
-Modern English
"Outside, outside the world. Out there you don't hear the echoes and calls, but the steel eye, tight jaw, say it all. But the white paint, plastic saints, say it all."
-Cake
"So hey baby, can you shed some light on the problem maybe? 'Cause we're all tired and we'd like to know if we should pack our tents, and shut down the show. Yes, we should like to see some burning bush type sign, but anything would be fine."
-Sixpence None the Richer
"I like the universe, but she messes with my words. I'm not talking planets or galaxies and the distance just makes it worse. You're totally right, every action was well rehearsed."
-Motion City Soundtrack
"Our memories, well they can be inviting, but some are altogether mighty frightening. As we die, both you and I, with my head in my hands I sit and cry. Don't speak. I know what you're saying, so please stop explaining, don't tell me 'cause it hurts."
-No Doubt
"Well I love the way we communicate. Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape. Let's hear what you think of me now, but baby don't look up. The sky is falling. Your mother shows up in a nasty dress. It's your turn now to stand where I stand. Everybody looking at you, here take hold of my hand. Yeah, I can hear them."
-Tori Amos
"You see 'em drop like flies from the bright sunny skies. They come knockin' on your door with this look in their eyes. You've got one good trick, and you're hanging on-you're hanging onto it."
-Ben Folds
"Stay if you want to love me. Stay, oh don't be shy. Let's cause a scene, like lovers do on silver screens. Let's make it, yeah, we'll cause a scene. It's indie rock n' roll for me."
-The Killers
"Well after all the blood that you still owe, another dollar's just another blow, so fix your eyes and get up. Better get up while you can. When you go, would you even turn to say. 'I don't love you like I did yesterday."
-My Chemical Romance
"It's never been easy for me to write words to go along with a melody, but this time there's actually something on my mind. So please forgive these few brief awkward lines."
-Hugh Grant
"And these children that you spit on, as they try to change their worlds are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they're going through."
-David Bowie
"I've always had affection for a silly reflection, and if you're waiting for the fun house to come to town. Just look around."
-Lunch Money
"You could study Shakespeare and be quite elite, and you could charm the critics and have nothing to eat. Or you could slip on a banana peel and have the world at your feet."
-Donald O'Connor
"Don't you wanna ride in my survival car? We can take the long way home through central park. Funny how the ground can find my wheels, I'm going where the road ain't there. Riding on the path we made to Union Square.
-Fountains of Wayne
"Or maybe she's already dead, and maybe she's gone to Mars. Maybe we could even write her epitaph in the stars. It'd say 'If you go away from here; if you go a million miles."
-Marcy Playground
"I'll stop the world and melt with you. You've seen the difference, and it's getting better all the time. There's nothing you and I won't do. I'll stop the world and melt with you."
-Modern English
"Outside, outside the world. Out there you don't hear the echoes and calls, but the steel eye, tight jaw, say it all. But the white paint, plastic saints, say it all."
-Cake
"So hey baby, can you shed some light on the problem maybe? 'Cause we're all tired and we'd like to know if we should pack our tents, and shut down the show. Yes, we should like to see some burning bush type sign, but anything would be fine."
-Sixpence None the Richer
"I like the universe, but she messes with my words. I'm not talking planets or galaxies and the distance just makes it worse. You're totally right, every action was well rehearsed."
-Motion City Soundtrack
"Our memories, well they can be inviting, but some are altogether mighty frightening. As we die, both you and I, with my head in my hands I sit and cry. Don't speak. I know what you're saying, so please stop explaining, don't tell me 'cause it hurts."
-No Doubt
"Well I love the way we communicate. Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape. Let's hear what you think of me now, but baby don't look up. The sky is falling. Your mother shows up in a nasty dress. It's your turn now to stand where I stand. Everybody looking at you, here take hold of my hand. Yeah, I can hear them."
-Tori Amos
"You see 'em drop like flies from the bright sunny skies. They come knockin' on your door with this look in their eyes. You've got one good trick, and you're hanging on-you're hanging onto it."
-Ben Folds
"Stay if you want to love me. Stay, oh don't be shy. Let's cause a scene, like lovers do on silver screens. Let's make it, yeah, we'll cause a scene. It's indie rock n' roll for me."
-The Killers
"Well after all the blood that you still owe, another dollar's just another blow, so fix your eyes and get up. Better get up while you can. When you go, would you even turn to say. 'I don't love you like I did yesterday."
-My Chemical Romance
"It's never been easy for me to write words to go along with a melody, but this time there's actually something on my mind. So please forgive these few brief awkward lines."
-Hugh Grant
"And these children that you spit on, as they try to change their worlds are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they're going through."
-David Bowie
"I've always had affection for a silly reflection, and if you're waiting for the fun house to come to town. Just look around."
-Lunch Money
"You could study Shakespeare and be quite elite, and you could charm the critics and have nothing to eat. Or you could slip on a banana peel and have the world at your feet."
-Donald O'Connor
Sunday, January 10, 2010
The Monster at the Dinner Table
You are called into a room.
This action could take many forms.
Sometimes, you are suddenly, literally, pulled out of bed by the arm or the hair and forced to sit in the direct sight of something you know is anything but good.
Sometimes, you are just called by your name. Making you unaware as to what is to come in the very near future. You walk into the situation completely ungaurded, and that poses a very big problem.
And other times, sometimes the worst of times, the dinner table is set.
You sit down, your heart pounding...there is this mixture of anger, anxiety, frustration, and sadness in your brain that keeps you from thinking straight.
It used to be tears, at this point, even though nothing has been said, I would already feel myself on the very edge of the cliff that marks an emotional breakdown.
Recently however, it has been anger. Instead of feeling tears spring up in my eyes, I feel my whole body rise a few degrees in temperature. My eyebrows furrow, and I just stare at the floor, ready to take whatever is about to be said; whatever attack is about to ensue.
Overall though, through the anger or the sadness, there is nervousness and anxiety. No matter what countenance I happen to be presenting, no matter what mask I happen to be wearing, I start to scratch at my hands or arms. It's odd, I know, but that's just my instinct. Providing pain, or some feeling, keeps me rooted to reality. The repetative motions keep me focused on something else.
I know at this point, that there is no fighting back...nobody is going to listen, and if you say anything you are just dismissed as disrespectful.
Respect, that ever-so-important word, a word that has a definition to me, that most people probably wouldn't understand.
"Stand up for yourself, show yourself some respect," that all sounds fine and dandy, but this is something that I don't think, at this point anyway, I am capable of.
You either fidget in your seat on the couch, afraid to relax for one second, terrified that the second you put your gaurd down is the second that the storm will begin.
It's like when you are waiting at the airport, in front of your gate, and you are rediculously thirsty. A location where you get a drink is not necessarily close by, but is not necessarily far away either. You could go there and get back in time, but what if something happens where they will start boarding early? So you sit there, and minutes pass by...time in which you could be getting that drink you so desperately want, but now that some time has passed you are that much closer to boarding,
and the cycle starts over again.
Keeping your gaurd up, holding an act in place is exhausting, but you do it because you have to.
If you have had the before hand warning, signified by a set dinner table, you know you have the time it takes to eat your food to prepare yourself for what is to come.
But you can't bring yourself to eat a thing, you just poke at the food on your plate nervously until someone comments on your "odd behavior."
Either that, or for that window of time, you pretend that everything is normal. You just convince yourself that this time, you are just having dinner; this time, everything will turn out okay, and sooner or later what you have been waiting for, the reason you have been sitting on the edge of your seat this whole time, is there.
And so it begins.
No matter what the accusation is, no matter who it applies to. It is still taken personally. That is not the intention, I'm sure, but that is just the way it turns out.
You are spoken to in even tones, probably something that wouldn't have any lasting effect on others, but is worse then screaming could ever be to me. Every word hits you, and you just sit there and stare blankly in front of you...but never directly at the speaker.
Sometimes they will say, "Look at me when I say this, Tia, look at me in the eye," and instead you look at the rims of their glasses, or something else that puts off the illusion that you are doing what they asked.
Sometimes it just seems unfair, the topic at hand has nothing, or little to do with you...It's something that isn't directly your fault.
Money problems, the condemnable house falling apart around you, their depression...
All things that shouldn't be your fault, things that aren't your mistake.
However, over the course of time, after being present for these "rants" over and over again, these things to become your fault. You accept that your existance is the cause.
When it is over, you shut yourself away. You find somewhere to crawl into and hide. A closet, underneath your bed, in the car, and there you either fume or cry.
A rediculous fear over the dinner table, how funny.
This action could take many forms.
Sometimes, you are suddenly, literally, pulled out of bed by the arm or the hair and forced to sit in the direct sight of something you know is anything but good.
Sometimes, you are just called by your name. Making you unaware as to what is to come in the very near future. You walk into the situation completely ungaurded, and that poses a very big problem.
And other times, sometimes the worst of times, the dinner table is set.
You sit down, your heart pounding...there is this mixture of anger, anxiety, frustration, and sadness in your brain that keeps you from thinking straight.
It used to be tears, at this point, even though nothing has been said, I would already feel myself on the very edge of the cliff that marks an emotional breakdown.
Recently however, it has been anger. Instead of feeling tears spring up in my eyes, I feel my whole body rise a few degrees in temperature. My eyebrows furrow, and I just stare at the floor, ready to take whatever is about to be said; whatever attack is about to ensue.
Overall though, through the anger or the sadness, there is nervousness and anxiety. No matter what countenance I happen to be presenting, no matter what mask I happen to be wearing, I start to scratch at my hands or arms. It's odd, I know, but that's just my instinct. Providing pain, or some feeling, keeps me rooted to reality. The repetative motions keep me focused on something else.
I know at this point, that there is no fighting back...nobody is going to listen, and if you say anything you are just dismissed as disrespectful.
Respect, that ever-so-important word, a word that has a definition to me, that most people probably wouldn't understand.
"Stand up for yourself, show yourself some respect," that all sounds fine and dandy, but this is something that I don't think, at this point anyway, I am capable of.
You either fidget in your seat on the couch, afraid to relax for one second, terrified that the second you put your gaurd down is the second that the storm will begin.
It's like when you are waiting at the airport, in front of your gate, and you are rediculously thirsty. A location where you get a drink is not necessarily close by, but is not necessarily far away either. You could go there and get back in time, but what if something happens where they will start boarding early? So you sit there, and minutes pass by...time in which you could be getting that drink you so desperately want, but now that some time has passed you are that much closer to boarding,
and the cycle starts over again.
Keeping your gaurd up, holding an act in place is exhausting, but you do it because you have to.
If you have had the before hand warning, signified by a set dinner table, you know you have the time it takes to eat your food to prepare yourself for what is to come.
But you can't bring yourself to eat a thing, you just poke at the food on your plate nervously until someone comments on your "odd behavior."
Either that, or for that window of time, you pretend that everything is normal. You just convince yourself that this time, you are just having dinner; this time, everything will turn out okay, and sooner or later what you have been waiting for, the reason you have been sitting on the edge of your seat this whole time, is there.
And so it begins.
No matter what the accusation is, no matter who it applies to. It is still taken personally. That is not the intention, I'm sure, but that is just the way it turns out.
You are spoken to in even tones, probably something that wouldn't have any lasting effect on others, but is worse then screaming could ever be to me. Every word hits you, and you just sit there and stare blankly in front of you...but never directly at the speaker.
Sometimes they will say, "Look at me when I say this, Tia, look at me in the eye," and instead you look at the rims of their glasses, or something else that puts off the illusion that you are doing what they asked.
Sometimes it just seems unfair, the topic at hand has nothing, or little to do with you...It's something that isn't directly your fault.
Money problems, the condemnable house falling apart around you, their depression...
All things that shouldn't be your fault, things that aren't your mistake.
However, over the course of time, after being present for these "rants" over and over again, these things to become your fault. You accept that your existance is the cause.
When it is over, you shut yourself away. You find somewhere to crawl into and hide. A closet, underneath your bed, in the car, and there you either fume or cry.
A rediculous fear over the dinner table, how funny.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Distraction is Key
At this point I'm just distracting myself.
Kyle said something about me having "girlie mood swings"
Kyle said something about me having "girlie mood swings"
but theres actually reason behind that. Its not some freakish hormonal imbalance, its me having distracions.
When I have something that keeps me preoccupied, I'm happy...but once that wears off...It's back to being left alone with a problem that I can't fix.
Boy, doesn't that suck?
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Going Through The Motions
"I'm just going through the motions, hoping no one will notice"
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Once More With Feeling
It's all over now...the longest two weeks ever.
I really don't have a ton of time to talk about it now, but be sure I will have plenty of things to blog about after I am finished "going through the motions." I have to sink back into the groove so to speak. I don't know...things just have to settle again before I can start thinking clearly. None of my friends really get it,
well that is actually a lie...there is one, but it isn't who you are all thinking...
I guess things will settle themselves out. I wish it would go a little faster though.
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Once More With Feeling
It's all over now...the longest two weeks ever.
I really don't have a ton of time to talk about it now, but be sure I will have plenty of things to blog about after I am finished "going through the motions." I have to sink back into the groove so to speak. I don't know...things just have to settle again before I can start thinking clearly. None of my friends really get it,
well that is actually a lie...there is one, but it isn't who you are all thinking...
I guess things will settle themselves out. I wish it would go a little faster though.
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