Help?

Stuck somewhere where things can't really be explained, where you can't even hear yourself think...and when you point this fact out, nobody listens.

In fact, they accuse you of being a bitch.

Lovely.

I don't understand how you can miss an environment you dislike.

Notice I don't say hate...there are things that are, for lack of a more well-thought-out word, appealing.

I suppose I will live, and before I know it I will be back to where things are sane again.

At least there are people who understand, ya know?

It would suck ballsacks (haha, jackson) if I didn't.

A Countdown

The countdown has dwindled down to single digits, and it is actually quite frightening.

Returning home is never easy.

I hope things go well.

Missing You

After talking about him so much, I'm starting to miss him more and more. Maybe someday I'll fix things with him, he is my best friend after all...
I hope we can just pick up where we left off, ignore our distance and just continue on in life. I owe him so much, but don't feel in debt to him. How odd.

A Broken Cog

So recently I have started watching the soap opera Days of Our Lives with Amanda on the weekends. At first I was just extremely confused, characters with dramatic names like Raif and Sydney running around like crazy people talking about crime, comas, and baby switching.

It was fucked up.

So then Amanda went on Wikipedia and had me read a synopsis of the entire plotline (starting back in the 60s)

It took me three hours to get through.

And it turned out to be even more fucked up then I thought!

I mean the plotline begins with someone dying of Tuburculosis of the Hand!

That doesn't even exist! That is contradictory by definition!

So after three hours of reading about various comas, some kind of weird alien people called the gemini twins, countless accidents and attacks involving acid, plastic surgery/identity changes, tons of rapes, and a baby switching incident.

I am hooked.

Yes, now I indeed watch Days of Our Lives intentionally, just so I can see what fucked up thing is going to happen next.

I started wondering later, that if there were a nuclear holocaust and the only recordings of humans on video were the Days of Our Lives tapes, how society would turn out.

haha...let's hope that day never comes.

On the upside, I have started making my own soap opera. It is called "A Broken Cog" and stars the robots Madeline, Leopold, and Edward. I have to episodes done so far.

http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/5776849/

A New Post

Things are finally starting to close in on the semester, and really on the year of 2009.

I really would like to say though, that this was the best year of my life.

This was a year of change for me, some good some bad, but overall I'm glad they took place.

It's funny,

My last New Year began in Denver.

I suppose it is only fitting that it will end in the same place.

I accomplished alot this year, alot of goals were reached. However, there are a few people who really helped me throughout this year...and I think that they should be recognized. I appreciate everything they did for me, and even though they will probably never see or read what is written here, I still think it is worth it.

And as I keep saying,

This blog is for me.

Nicole,

was definitely one of the major influences in my year. I don't think I would have lived through chemistry without her, but more than that she was just always there to talk...
We didn't start out as best friends, we were just similar girls with some common goals...but that has all changed. Sooner or later, I don't really remember when, we realized that we are truely connected. In all honesty I lost my best friend in 2008, but Nicole was there for me through that. She supported me, talked sense into me, kept me...sane, but most of all she didn't try to talk me out of moving here. She accepted and recognized that this was good for me, and for that I am forever grateful. The fact that her and I can talk about anything, from the deep philosophical questions of life, to what boy we've been mackin' on recently makes our relationship one that really can't be replaced.

Eric,

We met at a party, I was a complete stranger to the situation, people, and surroundings, but he kept me connected. He let me into his life without judgement or question. I dated, and broke-up with his best friend, and still he stuck by my side. He talked me through so much, and gave me advice on anything and everything...and it is honestly the best advice I have ever gotten in my entire life. He talked me through my fits of lonelyness and my feelings of guilt. He got me to admit my own flaws to myself, and to start taking initiative to fix them.

Most importantly, he reminded me how to live a life that I love.

Angel,

Darling, without you I don't think I would have been able to keep going after my breakdown at the beginning of the year. I got back from Denver and was so confused about my life, and you helped me sort through those feelings. You kept me sane through the stupidity of my encounters with Zach Davis, and even those with my family. You were there for me every day, at least during World Cultures.

Minke,

I find it funny that our relationship began with nothing but insults. How two people build a friendship off of that is a mystery, but I suppose that's just how you roll.

You were really great to me, you got me out of my insane environment and were always there to pick me up when I needed it. And me moving to Denver, and you to Chicago, made that stronger if anything. You are so nice to me, even though I'm so mean to you :3
You are definitely one of the coolest people I know.

Sinea,

My demented little darling, I miss her so much. Overall Sinea was always there for me when I cried, her sympathy was always genuine and that can't be said of many. She sees through peoples insincerity and substitutes a logical answer, and yet she is one of the most fun and entertaining individuals I have ever met.

Then I moved to Denver,

Carissa,

My darling, she are so good to me. I have shaken up the life she used to know and have, and I suppose I am kind of apologetic...but she seems to be tolerant of my behavior...and that is really amazing. She accepted me into this group and has helped me adjust to my move, and I know that this will last.

Jackson,

I really don't want to write stuff, because that will just fuel the fires of the rumor mill...but he really has done so much for me. I would have no friends if not for that fateful day when he told me we had the same phone. He introduced me into the group I am associated with now, and I would have had a completely different Denver experience if it weren't for that. Through all that, he and I are devoutly similar and that relation makes him an amazing friend to have. He is always there...cheering me up when I'm sad, venting with me about fucking french class, and just hanging out with me during the fourth periods where I really should be doing physics.

Chi,

We didn't start out as close, but shortly after homecoming that changed. Thanks darling, all the things I don't want to tell anyone else I tell you...you bring a fresh perspective to my many issues and are willing to listen.

Kyle and Amanda...thanks for rescuing me. Nothing more can even be said besides that.

Alyssa, Anna, Zach, Dani, Ariel, Diza, Jake (T and D) there are so many people that changed my life...but to write much more would take alot of energy out of me.

Thanks guys...

Hopefully this year will just be an improvement to the last.

Surprised Yet?

shocker, people are stupid.

surprised yet?

I think not.

I mean, he not only lacks timing but also awareness to the fact that he kind of broke the ever so sacred laws of friendship.

way to go.

I guess I can't blame his stupidity since he is indeed a part of the male species, but still...don't I get to be mad?

Stuck In Dissapointment

I find myself wondering...

what does it really mean when people say that ever so famous line...

"I'm not mad, just dissapointed."

Yeah, thank you Anna, and thank you Dad.

Because calling your sporadic exhibits of borderline hostile behavior towards me (or really towards my decision to move to Denver) the result of "dissapointment," makes it just so much better...
I don't know, I just can't sleep...
I think it is relevant to point out to those who actually read this, that the opinions and views expressed in this blog are the meandering and overly exploited thoughts in my warped brain. I am a fairly happy (although expressive) individual that loves her family and, in general, her life. So please don't judge me, that is one of my worst fears, judgement.

You Like Who?

Ah the theories flying left and right.

Who likes who?

That seems to be the ever present question, one that I am asked probably more frequently than any other.

Why can I not just be asked, "What time is it?" or, "What do you want for lunch today?"

I don't really know how to answer. Especially with who the subjects are recently.

Why is it not acceptable for me to just not know?

My thoughts are too muddled right now to even care, yet I do.

Funny, isn't it?

Heart of Ice

"They carve the message deep within, the broken hearts that failed to mend. Make-out kids never had a chance to be best frinds."

So I have never had what one would call a serious relationship, and that has always been fine by me. It was never anything I ever really thought about.

People are people, acquaintances are acquaintances, and friends are friends...Is there really anything more then that?

I never thought so, but I have to wonder...

Am I limiting myself by having this mindset?
Is it that I never thought of myself in that light, or that anyone would ever think of me in that light that I developed this attitude toward everything in relation to the term "boyfriend?"

It started out as just what everyone else was doing. 6th grade relationships essentially mean nothing. There are no feelings involved; in all honesty I don't think 6th graders can even begin to understand what feelings even are.

I definitely think this is where I picked up what my mother calls,

"my heart-breaking qualities."

These quick-and-over relationships paired with all the "marriages" I had seen as a child definitely translate into fear of such attachments in my own life.

I had come to the conjecture that relationships mean nothing...
they are nice while they last, but that is about it.

Then people started getting hurt. My "heartbreaking" aparently caused strife in the guys I went out with.

Don't think me stupid, but I honestly had no idea something like that would happen. I never really thought about it that way...I assumed everyone was like me.

I was wrong.

"Well, to put it bluntly...you have a heart of ice. The potential is there for you to love someone very much, but for now you seem like you're just going through the motions"

That was my latest break-up line.

Lovely, right?

Now, for whatever reason. I am doing what someone very smart put as "enamoring" people. Who knows how the hell I'm pulling it off, but aparently the quirks that come from growing up in small-town Pennsylvania are severely attractive to people here.

And now, I am lost. Hurting people isn't really something I can guiltlessly pride myself in.

It's funny though. In the midst of all this confusion, I have found someone who understands it.

That at least, is something that I can latch onto.

Once More With Feeling

It has been about four months since I packed up everything I really knew and moved from small town Shippensburg, Pennsylvania to big city Denver, Colorado. An interesting choice to some, and a necessary one to others.

And now, I finally am starting to feel like I belong.

I wasn't sure when it would happen, and I didn't really know how I would ever be able to tell.

Would there be some kind of sign? A really big flashing one that would say something like,

"Tia, you have made the transition. Congrats, you belong!"

Would there be some kind of serious awakening moment, like when you finally place the last peice together in the jigsaw puzzle?

Well, none of that actually happened. There was no sudden sign, or any kind of awakening...

It was like when you look at a picture of yourself from a few years back. You don't feel like you changed at all, but the photographic evidence and the mirror don't lie. You have gotten older, whether for better or for worse.

My "sign" came in the form of me falling back in love with my old passions. I am starting to want to be involved again with the things I was so passionate about before.

I am starting to be true to myself again, and I am feeling comfortable enough to do it.

I looked back the other day, and saw this happening...and just like looking at a picture from the past and the mirror in the present, I saw that I have changed; that I am finally feeling at home.

A Reminder of What She Had

Once upon a time there was a little girl. She moved around alot and was homeschooled, so she really didn't have any friends...she didn't really have any constants in her life, and she was really lonely.

Then one day, when she was seven years old, the unexpected occured. She got a gift, a kitten in fact. She didn't realize it at the time, but this helpless little kitty was going to be her best friend.

Her name was Pidge, after the girl's mother's favorite book character, but the little girl soon changed it to Pidgeon. She was grey with cream flecks, and had a cream diamond right on the top of her head.

One day, Pidgeon's mom tried to chase her and the other kittens away...all of them got scared and left, but not Pidgeon. Rachel, the mother cat, started lashing out at her trying to scare her away, but she never left.

The girl saw this going on, and one day picked up the kitten and told her,

"I know that you don't think anybody cares about you, but I do. I am going to adopt you as my baby, and I will never leave you."

From then on, Pidgeon was the girls baby. The girl took care of her, but better yet, Pidgeon took care of the girl.

When she would get sad, Pidgeon would just know...she would crawl over and keep her company. When the girl would get sick, Pidgeon wouldn't leave her side until she got better. She was always there when the girl needed her, and for that the girl was forever greatful.

Then one day, under a saddening circumstance, the girl and her family had to move in with her grandparents. The girl's mom told her that Pidgeon would have to stay behind, but the girl made a promise and would not leave her. She pleaded with her grandmother to let her keep the kitty, and eventually her grandmother said yes.

All of the other kitties were given away or left behind, but Pidgeon got to stay.

After a few years, the girl and her family had to move again, and once again the girl was told she had to get rid of her cat, but once again she was able to keep her.

A week into living in her new home, a tornado came. The house they were living in was not stable enough to withstand the storm, so they had to leave to a safer location. The girl, about ten now, brought Pidgeon with her, even though her mom told her she couldn't come. They drove to a shelter, but because it was a public place Pidgeon wasn't aloud to come in. The girl tried to convince her parents to let the cat come, but she was left in the car. The girl did nothing but cry that whole night, because she thought she was going to lose her best friend...but fortunately she did not.

A few years later, the girl went away to Greece. She was gone for a whole month, and had to leave Pidgeon beind. She missed her cat dearly, but not as much as Pidgeon missed the girl. The cat spent that whole month looking for the girl, she would escape the confinements of the house and try and search for the girl outside, but she never found any luck.

Everyday the woman the girl was staying with would ask "do you miss your family?" and the girl would always reply "no, but I miss my cat." The woman didn't understand, and the girl realized that nobody ever really would. Pidgeon wasn't just a pet, she was really the girl's soulmate...they were destined to find eachother, and destined to stay together forever.

When the girl returned home, she opened the door to her house and caught the cat as she was trying to run outside. Pidgeon meowed in protest, but then realized who it was. She immediately started to pur, and the girl cried because she was so happy.

A few months later, the girl, fifteen now, went to her sophmore Homecoming. She was so excited, because she had the perfect dress, and had just got her hair cut, and thought she actually, for once, looked pretty. She went out that night, and had what she thought to be at the time, the best night of her life.

She came home, and changed into her pajamas, and grabbed her kitty to bring her to bed. Pidgeon made a funny noise, but the girl failed to think anything of it.

She told her kitty, like she did every night, that she loved her more than anything in the world...and that they would be together forever, and then she went to sleep.

At 3:17 AM the girl woke up. She turned and saw her cat breathing heavily. The girl knew something was wrong. She started to panic, and woke up her sister in the bed above her. The sister ran and got her parents.

Pidgeon was sprawled out in the girls bed, unable to move. She was breathing heavily, and her eyes were filled with pain. The girl was on the floor next to the bed, eye level with her baby, crying and telling her it was going to be okay.

"I promised I would never leave you, we are destined to be together forever, remember?" she told her best friend.

"please don't leave me."

The girl begged her parents to call a vet, she begged them to do something, anything to stop her poor baby's pain. But the parents said, "there isn't anything we can do, just let her go."

The girl started to sob, but her mom told her

"you have to be here for her, you can't cry now"

The girl continued to pet her beloved baby girl, she kept repeating things, saying she loved her, that she was so sorry, that she didn't mean to ever be angry or upset with her, that they were supposed to be together forever...

The girl's family sat around her and the cat, but did nothing. They just stared.

The girl turned and looked at her father, and gave him a look that pleaded him to help her. Her dad stared back with his blue green eyes, and gave a look back that was filled with nothing but sympathy.

Two hours later, what seemed like forever for the girl, Pidgeon closed her eyes. They opened again, but the girl just knew. There was something off about them. They weren't the same vibrant gold eyes she had looked into every day for the past eight years. They were dead. She was dead.

Life seemed to end at that very moment, they were supposed to be together forever. Pidgeon was her only constant, her only true friend, she kept her sane and protected from all the bad things that were constantly happening around her...and now she was gone.

There was a funeral for Pidgeon the next day. The girl's dad built a small coffin for the beloved pet, and placed the cat inside so the girl wouldn't have to see her. They buried her at her grandmother's house, and everybody said nice things about her. Even her grandmother, who Pidgeon had once bit so hard that her whole arm turned black and blue. The girl couldn't say anything, except what she said to her every night.

"Pidgeon Ann, I love you more than anything in the world, and we will be together forever."

That night the girl's sister was listening to Billy Joel. The song "Lullabye" came on, and at that moment, the little girl decided this would be their song.

About a year later, the girl, not so little anymore, started a blog.

And on November Eleventh she wrote about what had happened, as a remider of what she once had.

A Unique Individual

Uniqueness is severely attractive to me.

It can be music, writing, art, fashion, or people; I find it rediculously amazing to stumble upon things that are...different.

I think it might be because I see it in myself.
Being different is something that I always just fell into; not fitting in has been my forte.

What a great thing to be remembered for right?

When I asked Eric why I didn't feel like I related to anyone he said,

"You're a unique individual, you have alot of mismatched qualities that people don't think would fit together...but they do. People just don't understand your layers of personality."

I found it odd at the time, unsure as to whether this was a good or a bad thing. Sure, teachers and various motivational speakers say that "everyone is unique, we are all individuals, etc, etc, etc."

but although I hate to admit it, soceity demands you to fit in. Success lies in that action. Breaking the standard, or thinking outside the box is only rewarded if you can justify yourself, and prove to the world that you aren't as off your rocker as they judge you to be...

but that is really alot harder then it sounds.

The world won't accomodate to you, so you must simply accomodate to it. You bend your ways just enough to get by, you find small groups of people that relate to you just enough to befriend you, and you get by.

This isn't really as sad as it sounds, if you're like me and see uniqueness as an attractive quality then this is a happy living. That, and as individualistic as I want myself to be, there are hundreds of others out there like me...

So on the bright side, I'm not alone.

Boredom At Its Best

"You choke me something awful just like kisses on the necks of best friends.
We're the kids who feel like dead-ends.
And I want to be known for more than just my misses.
I took a shot and didn't even come close.
And trust and love and hope.
And the poets are just kids who didn't make it.
Or never had it at all"

"I don't mind you comming here
And wasting all my time
Cos when you're standing oh so near
I kinda lose my mind, yeah
It's not the perfume that you wear
It's not the ribbons in your hair
I don't mind you comming here
And wasting all my time
I don't mind you hanging 'round
And talking in your sleep
It doesn't matter where you've been
As long as it was deep, yeah
I know you'd wear it very well
And you look so fancy I can tell
I don't mind you hanging 'round
And talking in your sleep"

"So excuse me forgetting
But these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
The thing is
What I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen"

"This is the story of the boys who loved you
Who love you now and loved you then
And some were sweet and some were cold and snuffed you
And some just layed around in bed
And some, they crumbled you straight to your knees
Did it cruel, did it tenderly
Some they crawled their way into your heart
To rend your ventricles apart
This is the story of the boys who loved you "

"Write me off, give up on me
Cause darling, what did you expect
I'm just off a lost cause
a long shot, don't even take this bet
You can make all the moves, you can aim all the spotlights
Get all the sighs and the moans just right
I'm sleeping on your folk's front porch again, dreaming
She said, she said, she said, "Why don't you just drop dead?"

"why did i come?
oh why did i come here?
these humans all suck
I'd rather be home feeling violent and lonely
I'm not trying to sound so insincere
but the postcard taped to the freezer reads
"wish you were here"
oh I wish i could disappear"

"And if you call
I will answer
And if you fall
I'll pick you up
And if you court this disaster
I'll point you home
and I'm warning you don't ever do
Those crazy things I know that you do
If you ever do
I promise you
I'll be the first to crucify you"

World, Revolve Around Someone Else Please.

I severely dislike being the center of attention...

but don't misunderstand this statement.

Sure, as alot of you know, I am a performer.
I sing in front of hundreds of people, I lead groups and clubs, I act, and am generally in the "spotlight" alot.

The thing is, although everyone is watching you and "paying attention to you," they don't actually care about you at all. Better yet, they don't expect anything from you.

When someone listens to you sing, they want to hear nothing of your past or your future, they don't expect anything from you but a pretty voice.

People watch you act and they don't care about you as a person, they care about the character you are portraying for their enjoyment.

You represent a club, like GSA or Environmental Issues, and people don't care about you and your own personal issues, they care about the issue you are choosing to represent.

When you are in these situations you really have nothing to lose. That is the crucial difference to the "center of attention" I am referring to.

No, I am speaking of when you are the center of the attention of those who want to know those things. They want to hear of your issues, your past, your future, your life, and any other detail they can get from you.

This scares me.

It isn't really peoples intentions, whether good or bad the result in my mind is the same. Whether they want to judge me or care for me, I still feel like being in this kind of attention makes you extremely vulnerable.

and vulnerability is my worst fear.

Well Aren't You a Surprise?

"Brothers and sisters, put these words down
Into your notebook, spit lines like these...
We're only liars, but we're the best
We're only good for the latest trend."

"Excess ain't rebellion.
You're drinking what they're selling.
Your self-destruction doesn't hurt them.
Your chaos won't convert them.
They're so happy to rebuild it.
You'll never really kill it.
Yeah, excess ain't rebellion.
You're drinking what they're selling."

"I'm not smiling
behind this fake veneer.
I am often interrupted
or completely ignored,
but most of all I'm bored.
I'm trying to find out
if my words have any meaning.
Lackluster and full of contempt
when it always ends the same."

"And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through"

I don't really know why...but I wanted to share these.

My Subconscious Kills.

Confusion.

That is what I have been feeling for the past few weeks. I am so lost at the moment, and I'm not even sure as to why that is. I no longer really understand what it is I'm actually feeling on a day to day basis, and I can't make decisions on anything.

Am I happy?
I don't know.

Am I sad?
I don't know.

What do I want for lunch today?
I don't know.

I am sick of being so...lost.

I suppose this really has been going on for a while and that I just didn't think it was an issue until now. I always just had more prevelant things to occupy myself with, but now that those things are taken away...I find myself thrown into a path of self discovery.

And the funny thing is, I don't really know what it is I am discovering.

Carissa's theory is that my subconscious is "showing me the way," but that I am choosing to ignore it (at least for one particular issue)...

Stupid subconscious.

Minke said "Tia, you're bipolar."
Sure, he was referring to something else entirely, but it got me thinking that maybe he is kind of right. I know I'm not actually bipolar, but the term kind of fits when it comes to my decision making skills and lack of direction.

Self discovery of today...
My subconscious kills.

Can't wait to find out what my next discovery is.

Phone Blogging, How Convenient.

Set it up so i can blog with my phone woo!

From now on in awkward situations, I can pretend to text but really be blogging!

How exciting!

Three Free Periods and a Sex Book

A thrusday of epic proportions, to say the least...

Psychology:

I successfully made people "bubble" by reading my favorite sonnets.
Typically I would be indifferent to this situation, but (for one who finds themselves accused of being "against love") I surprisingly find the sonnets to be really...heartwarming? I don't really know what word I am looking for, haha.

Mr. Lee said to me, "Tia, It's really great that I have someone around that actually knows what is going on in Psychology." Yeaha! Super win!

"I would like to thank, Mr. Miller (my previous psych teacher) and my dear dear friends."

Off Period:

So Chiara pulled a book down from the library shelves today, that had a REALLY colorful cover, and after she and Jackson left to go work on their G4 assignment I picked the book up for further inspection. Come to find out, IT IS FILLED WITH SEX STORIES! It was all about these different accounts of girls going out with the SAME GUY (who, as you have probably guessed is a man-whore.)

Jackson and Chiara returned, and after me telling them what the book was about, we proceeded to READ IT ALOUD...and who was the person reading it out loud, JACKSON of course! It was hilarious, and rediculous, and just completely out of place (being in a school library surrounded by teachers and all).

Physics:

Betsy has confirmed that...yes, Justin is a retard. What a discovery!
We also spent a good while trying to figure out why Carbon can form more complex molecules than Silicon (since they are virtually the same, the only difference being a slight change in mass). Although presented with many theories from Betsy's brother, and Connor's own brainstorming...we have yet to find out the cause.

IB Music:

Quiz!
Epic fail on the vocabulary section, but I think I redeemed myself during the analylsis part. Hopefully I redeemed myself during the analysis part...

Individualism or Not

Me creating a blog?

How individualistic of me! I mean really now, I suppose this is just me following the crowd of "bloggers" out there...but then again, why should I care?
Individualistic or not, this blog is for me.

I've been told alot recently that keeping your emotions inside isn't the best decision (to say the least), so I suppose this is a good way to start sharing "my feelings" and "my opinions."

Who doesn't love a good journal anyway?
Maybe someday the world will look back on my meandering thoughts; they will read the madness in front of them and think "wow...this is...odd," but you know what? That's FINE by me :)

This is the beginning of the recordings of only part of a story, an epic tale of the happenings concerning a small town girl in a really big town.