The day of complete and utter boredom has set upon me, and what more is there to do but be in it.
I have already cleansed my living space, and the garments which I wear.
I have already composed my dreaded Extended Essay work, and read the work of William Faulkner I was assigned.
I have added color to my previously plain fingernails, and viewed a selection of my favorite films.
And yet, here I am, remaining in this stagnant day.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
What is this, I don't even.
Although this kind of looks really gross, I want to try it so badly. So, so bad.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Shallow
I am really completely excited for the warm weather to set in. I am ready to start wearing the cute summer dresses I have accumulated over the year. I'm ready to start experimenting with my hair, now that it's finally long enough to do anything with.
Although these things are kind of shallow, to me these things are a way for me to start growing up. I've always just let things fall as they may, but I want to be the one to take control of things.
As weird as that may sound.
Playlists
My boyfriend and I trade playlists back and forth sometimes. I'll make him one and put it on my iPod, and he'll make one and put it on his Zune, and then we trade music players.
We've done two now so far, so it's not necessarily what you would call prolific, but it's a good start.
It's a good way to see what kind of music we like listening to, including our guilty pleasures.
Whether it's his obsession with Lady Gaga, or my leftover love of some of the Christian rock bands I used to listen to when I was little, we put some of everything on them.
The cool part is that when I listen to the ones he's made me, they remind me of him. You can tell he made it, because little parts of his personality are represented. He says the ones I make for him remind him of me too.
It's cute.
We've done two now so far, so it's not necessarily what you would call prolific, but it's a good start.
It's a good way to see what kind of music we like listening to, including our guilty pleasures.
Whether it's his obsession with Lady Gaga, or my leftover love of some of the Christian rock bands I used to listen to when I was little, we put some of everything on them.
The cool part is that when I listen to the ones he's made me, they remind me of him. You can tell he made it, because little parts of his personality are represented. He says the ones I make for him remind him of me too.
It's cute.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
I don't need you.
I did not give up my friends for my relationship.
I did not lose my friends because of my relationship.
I chose to leave, and I did it because I was tired of the dynamic. Tired of getting treated so poorly. Tired of watching everyone get treated so poorly.
Did my boyfriend have a part in this decision? In ways, yes. He reminded me of what having a real friend is like, and showed me that I could make it on my own. That I didn't need them like I thought I did. That I didn't owe them anything.
But did he make this decision for me? No, that was all me. He was extremely supportive, gave me my options, and talked me through those options, but overall the decision was left to me.
And I chose to be free.
So go ahead and speculate that I have been brainwashed by my boyfriend, go ahead and talk behind my back about how I'll be crawling back to you when it's over between us, go ahead and scrutinize me for not finding balance in my life.
I have found balance in my life, you're just upset because you aren't a part of it.
But honestly? I don't give a fuck.
No one is the prophet of all things good and right, sent to show us how to live our lives. Especially not you. I don't need you to teach me.
I did not lose my friends because of my relationship.
I chose to leave, and I did it because I was tired of the dynamic. Tired of getting treated so poorly. Tired of watching everyone get treated so poorly.
Did my boyfriend have a part in this decision? In ways, yes. He reminded me of what having a real friend is like, and showed me that I could make it on my own. That I didn't need them like I thought I did. That I didn't owe them anything.
But did he make this decision for me? No, that was all me. He was extremely supportive, gave me my options, and talked me through those options, but overall the decision was left to me.
And I chose to be free.
So go ahead and speculate that I have been brainwashed by my boyfriend, go ahead and talk behind my back about how I'll be crawling back to you when it's over between us, go ahead and scrutinize me for not finding balance in my life.
I have found balance in my life, you're just upset because you aren't a part of it.
But honestly? I don't give a fuck.
No one is the prophet of all things good and right, sent to show us how to live our lives. Especially not you. I don't need you to teach me.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I Laugh So Hard
I laugh so hard when I read the things you post on your Tumblr. I don't laugh because it's "haha funny." I laugh because it is fucking ironic, all the things you say.
Sometimes I wonder if you ever really sit back and think about your life. If you really believe some of the things you say about yourself on the internet. I mean, everybody's got their personas, don't get me wrong.
I know that on the internet, I seem a lot like a narcissistic bitch, but hey, I KNOW this, hence the blog title. But at the same time, I also know that I'm not that person in real life, but do I care? Nah. If I cared, then I would try to make myself look better than I actually am.
You try to make yourself sound so sincere, trying to make yourself seem like this open book of all things docile yet independent, friendly yet bitchy, and all together a deep, dynamic individual who has what...Just decided to pour out everything in their heart and soul out on the internet for their "followers" to see?
I mean quite honestly, I do not think anybody reads this blog, and if people do, then good for them. Maybe someone can be entertained, and thought provoked from whatever it is that I write here, but you can't know a person from their blog posts.
Even if that's your intent; to put yourself into the internet page that has ridiculously become your second home.
Believe me, I have experience in this matter. A blog is not you. It may be a part of you, just like anything else can be. Your room, your locker, your art, your essays, anything of yours really. It may be a part of you, but it can never really be you.
But backtracking to my original point. It makes me laugh to see what you want the world to think of you, or maybe even what you think of yourself, because who knows? Maybe your Tumblr is a place of undying truthfulness and therapy. But really, if you know these things enough about yourself to post about them in depth on a blog, then why do you need the blog to help you discover it?
When I sit here, and write these things out, I realize that no, I am most likely not inspiring people with "my story." No, I am not trying to figure out myself by spitting out my inner most thoughts into the internet. And no, I'm not trying to impress my friends.
Really it all comes down to boredom, and the fact that this feels a lot more productive than doing whatever it is I could be doing.
Sometimes I wonder if you ever really sit back and think about your life. If you really believe some of the things you say about yourself on the internet. I mean, everybody's got their personas, don't get me wrong.
I know that on the internet, I seem a lot like a narcissistic bitch, but hey, I KNOW this, hence the blog title. But at the same time, I also know that I'm not that person in real life, but do I care? Nah. If I cared, then I would try to make myself look better than I actually am.
You try to make yourself sound so sincere, trying to make yourself seem like this open book of all things docile yet independent, friendly yet bitchy, and all together a deep, dynamic individual who has what...Just decided to pour out everything in their heart and soul out on the internet for their "followers" to see?
I mean quite honestly, I do not think anybody reads this blog, and if people do, then good for them. Maybe someone can be entertained, and thought provoked from whatever it is that I write here, but you can't know a person from their blog posts.
Even if that's your intent; to put yourself into the internet page that has ridiculously become your second home.
Believe me, I have experience in this matter. A blog is not you. It may be a part of you, just like anything else can be. Your room, your locker, your art, your essays, anything of yours really. It may be a part of you, but it can never really be you.
But backtracking to my original point. It makes me laugh to see what you want the world to think of you, or maybe even what you think of yourself, because who knows? Maybe your Tumblr is a place of undying truthfulness and therapy. But really, if you know these things enough about yourself to post about them in depth on a blog, then why do you need the blog to help you discover it?
When I sit here, and write these things out, I realize that no, I am most likely not inspiring people with "my story." No, I am not trying to figure out myself by spitting out my inner most thoughts into the internet. And no, I'm not trying to impress my friends.
Really it all comes down to boredom, and the fact that this feels a lot more productive than doing whatever it is I could be doing.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
There is a total difference...
So, I'm with Drake in Starbucks, and we're sitting there looking up Lord of the Rings jokes on my laptop, and I'm explaining the wonderfulness of my previous days America's Next Top Model snow day marathon. It's pretty great. We're laughing, joking, being the cute couple that everyone accuses us of being, not that it's a bad thing.
We see some people come and go, like Rhys, who was dressed in the most insane amount of layers I have ever seen. I mean, yeah, it may be -20 outside, but four sweatshirts? Really? I did pretty darn fine in my flannel, and my winter jacket. Scarf, gloves, hat, all your normal winter attire.
Anyway, then some other people we know walk in. These people, who shall remain unnamed, are infamous for their PDA together around the school. Typically it goes like this.
Crowd of people.
This couple walks in.
They have a huge, slobbery (not exaggerating), kiss for about 5 or 6 seconds.
They stop face sucking, and continually spend the next half hour whispering in each other's ears/cuddling together.
Face sucking ensues for another 5 to 6 seconds.
But this time they REALLY went at it. There was no half hour in between here, and there was no 5 to 6 seconds either. They were legitimately hard core making out right in front of us. I mean, not just in front of strangers...but in front of us...people they know and have to see later that day.
They were practically ready to rip each other's clothes off...IN STARBUCKS. It was one of those moments, when you just awkwardly pretend you don't notice what's going on even if it is right in front of you.
I mean, I'm self conscious and TOTALLY aware of all the PDA I give off all the time. I used to get shit from some of my old friends about how it was SO inappropriate to hug, hold hands, and hang out with my boyfriend after school hours, or around them. A manifestation of why they aren't my friends any longer.
But like...we have never done anything to that extent ever in public. Even when Kyle picked me up today, we just hugged goodbye.
He's like, "What? No smooch goodbye?" And I'm like, "No, I guess not."
The worst we do is stuff like this.
And there is a total difference between that and what they were doing.
We see some people come and go, like Rhys, who was dressed in the most insane amount of layers I have ever seen. I mean, yeah, it may be -20 outside, but four sweatshirts? Really? I did pretty darn fine in my flannel, and my winter jacket. Scarf, gloves, hat, all your normal winter attire.
Anyway, then some other people we know walk in. These people, who shall remain unnamed, are infamous for their PDA together around the school. Typically it goes like this.
Crowd of people.
This couple walks in.
They have a huge, slobbery (not exaggerating), kiss for about 5 or 6 seconds.
They stop face sucking, and continually spend the next half hour whispering in each other's ears/cuddling together.
Face sucking ensues for another 5 to 6 seconds.
But this time they REALLY went at it. There was no half hour in between here, and there was no 5 to 6 seconds either. They were legitimately hard core making out right in front of us. I mean, not just in front of strangers...but in front of us...people they know and have to see later that day.
They were practically ready to rip each other's clothes off...IN STARBUCKS. It was one of those moments, when you just awkwardly pretend you don't notice what's going on even if it is right in front of you.
I mean, I'm self conscious and TOTALLY aware of all the PDA I give off all the time. I used to get shit from some of my old friends about how it was SO inappropriate to hug, hold hands, and hang out with my boyfriend after school hours, or around them. A manifestation of why they aren't my friends any longer.
But like...we have never done anything to that extent ever in public. Even when Kyle picked me up today, we just hugged goodbye.
He's like, "What? No smooch goodbye?" And I'm like, "No, I guess not."
The worst we do is stuff like this.
Ghost Town
That's pretty much the only way I can think to describe school today, there were definitely less than half the students there.
So much for the whole MTV school attendance challenge thing. We're probably going to slide down the charts rediculously so.
Not that I care, I really don't care about anyone elses attendance but my own and another select individuals, but really less than 50%? That's ridiculous.
So much for the whole MTV school attendance challenge thing. We're probably going to slide down the charts rediculously so.
Not that I care, I really don't care about anyone elses attendance but my own and another select individuals, but really less than 50%? That's ridiculous.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Ben Folds Five?
It's funny, because they only have three members...and yet they are five, neat huh? Trick question really.
I remember in Sharps that was one of the questions at the audition. How many members are in the Jackson 5? I thought it could be a trick question and it freaked me out so bad. Come to find out it was supposed to be checking who was competent vs. not. Hah.
Anyway, I love this album, and I love Ben Folds so much it's astounding. He's great, and has perfect pitch (jerkface), and is like the biggest hipster on the face of the planet, but he was there first, before the hipsters so not really.
My music teacher knows him, one of his songs is written with his name in it. I want a song written about me! That would be so freaking cool.
OhmyGodmylife.
Dear Molly Burnett,
Why are you the most adorable thing on the face of this planet? It's freaking ridiculous.
You're also the only really, truly attractive character on Days. I mean, Sami? What the hell? I thoroughly do not understand the appeal to her. She looks like a bulldog, and possesses the most obnoxious personality known to man, and yet everyone wants her. It's rediculous.
I mean, Melanie has got two guys in love with her, but Sami has had tons more. It just doesn't make any sense.
Which on another note, Days is getting really interesting. I never watched soaps until I moved in with Amanda, and not it's like this bonding thing. I got all caught up and read that blastedly long Wikipedia article, and now I'm hooked watching it too.
I guess if I really wanted to, I could stop, but really what better do I have to do? Hang out with friends? Haha, wait, I don't have those.
Anyway, moral of the story is, I'm watching Days now, and it's getting really good. I mean, Johnny lost his eye, Melanie is pregnant, the whole Phillip/Chloe thing that ruined EVERYTHING. It's all pretty great.
Oh, and WTF IS UP WITH EJ AND STEPHANO'S PLAN TO GET RAIF??
I still haven't figured out what they are up to yet.
DPS
So, it's negative thirty outside, and yet we will still be having school tomorrow. But no worries kids, don't be mad at DPS! They are advising parents to dress your kiddies up nice and warm with little skin exposure.
Man, they reallly are looking out for us, truly.
Dear DPS,
Please answer me this.
Why are we spending all our money on repainting the lobby for school spirit, welcoming mats, and the "new door project" when we can't afford to heat the school, pay for a librarian/books in the library, or upgrade our desks & chalkboards? I would really, really like to know.
Sincerely,
One of the few students in your district with the competence and skill to actually write this.
PS. In case you didn't know...it seems some of your students can't read. I'm not sure why, but I feel like this is a problem.
Man, they reallly are looking out for us, truly.
Dear DPS,
Please answer me this.
Why are we spending all our money on repainting the lobby for school spirit, welcoming mats, and the "new door project" when we can't afford to heat the school, pay for a librarian/books in the library, or upgrade our desks & chalkboards? I would really, really like to know.
Sincerely,
One of the few students in your district with the competence and skill to actually write this.
PS. In case you didn't know...it seems some of your students can't read. I'm not sure why, but I feel like this is a problem.
Too Bad We Don't Want Kids
If Drake and I had a box kid, like in Martian Child, it would dress like this after hanging out with us.
First we've got the nerd glasses, which we both wear now that I've given him my old ones. And then there's the superman tshirt, which I got him for chirstmas, and we wrote the fake referral for.
But children are like an STD, really, they are an STD. Not only do you get them after having sex, but you are STUCK with them forever. And yet, everyone says you'll change your mind in the future, and you know, maybe we will...but at this point. FUCK NO.
God damnit, we are so cool.
ANTM Marathon?
America's Next Top Model on a snowday, it's the perfect thing. Cycle 6, with Molly Sue and Joanie, my two favorites. It's funny to me that Molly Sue is the most successful out of them, but she was the sixth(?) one eliminated.
Like with Elyse in Cycle 1, she's so successful now, while in the show she was axed. It's my favorites that always end up doing kind of well in the future.
Except for Allison Cycle 12, and Marjorie in Cycle 11. Although in Cycle 11 it was tied between Analiegh and Marjorie, and Ananliegh is pretty successful.
Either way, I'm so excited for this marathonnn.
Monday, January 31, 2011
The World is Mine
"Pretend you're happy when you're blue. It isn't very hard to do. And you'll find happiness without an end whenever you pretend. Remember anyone can dream. And nothing's bad as it may seem. The little things you haven't got could be a lot if you pretend."
In the end, no matter what, there will always be something there that could be bugging you. There are always problems, always something ready to potentially ruin your day, that's just the way life is.
But that whole, don't let it get to you thing, no matter how hard it can seem sometimes really is a pretty useful, great thing.
Acceptance can be hard to get to though, and by any means I'm not suggesting, or musing that one should just accept everything as it is. That's just too hard, unrealistic really. That will take time.
A good temporary solution though is to just find out the other things in your life that make it all worth it, or at least can get you through it.
Like some good music, or someone to lean on, a good book to read, or some nice weather outside. Although cheesy, that seems to work for me.
"And if you sing this melody. You'll be pretending just like me. The world is mine it can be yours my friend, so why don't you pretend?"
In the end, no matter what, there will always be something there that could be bugging you. There are always problems, always something ready to potentially ruin your day, that's just the way life is.
But that whole, don't let it get to you thing, no matter how hard it can seem sometimes really is a pretty useful, great thing.
Acceptance can be hard to get to though, and by any means I'm not suggesting, or musing that one should just accept everything as it is. That's just too hard, unrealistic really. That will take time.
A good temporary solution though is to just find out the other things in your life that make it all worth it, or at least can get you through it.
Like some good music, or someone to lean on, a good book to read, or some nice weather outside. Although cheesy, that seems to work for me.
"And if you sing this melody. You'll be pretending just like me. The world is mine it can be yours my friend, so why don't you pretend?"
The Drakeasaurus Rex and the Tia-Raptor
So pretty much, I have the absolute coolest boyfriend on the face of the planet. Not to be a boasting teenage girl...but time to be a boasting teenage girl. I'm not going to sit here and say that our love is different, or that nobody understands us, because in the end, I'm sure that someone does out there.
But even so, does that in no way should discredit the fact that not only is he my absolute best friend, the person that just appeals to me in every facet of the term, but he's also one of the things in my life that makes me undeniably happy. So really, fuck the rest.
I am not a bitch for liking my boyfriend, regardless of what some other people seem to believe. It is not a crime to have someone make you happy. The end.
Fuck You Tumblr
You know, Tumblr is not as fucking great as everyone seems to think it is. I mean yeah, it's got the whole "blogging made easy" thing going for it, but it has become overrun with twats trying to have GIF wars, or whatever the hell that shit is.
I guess they are entitled to whatever they want, they can really put up anythign they please, because it is in the end their space, but still.
I don't want to have to deal with them spamming up my dashboard.
The appeal of the whole Tumblr thing I believe was the interesting things you could find on there, and the layout was definitely super attractive to my creative brain, but really, I can do the same kind of thing on here, can't I?
I want to start legitimately blogging again, and by golly, that doesn't mean I have to restrict myself from putting cute pictures up whenever I want on here. Tumblr isn't the only place I can do that!
Like this for instance, CariDee English, ANTM Cycle 7 winner. She might not have ended up with the best modeling career on the face of the planet after claiming her title of America's Next Top Model, but she did end up becoming the host of a show on Oxygen, and getting a really fucking edgy haircut, so really. Win fucking win.
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