"Everybody knows it hurts to grow up, but everybody does, so weird to be back here. Let me tell you what, the years go on and we're still fighting, and we're still fighting it. You try, and try, and some day, I'll fly away from here."
-Ben Folds
The other day I found myself passing a jewelry store in the mall, and a thought snuck up on me.
I'm not the type to go under the effects of a romantic speal of thoughts, but for whatever reason the stereotypical teenage girl got the best of me.
I caught myself thinking that not too far into the future, some guy is going to bend down on one knee and give me one of those god damn rediculous rings.
Funny, that if I were to ever get that ring, I wouldn't think it as being rediculous. I would probably see the beauty in the thing, whether it actually falls under the socially acceptable definition of pretty or not.
At this point I started doing some math in my head.
I am currently sixteen years old.
The majority of the population get, on average, engaged around the age of twentyfive.
25-16=9
Holy shit.
I remember a time when I used to watch The Sound of Music with my older sister, Anna. We would love the part when Ralph sings his ever so famous tune...
"You are sixteen, going on seventeen-"
We would be sitting on the couch, or my parents bed, and I remember thinking that I would never get that old. How far away sixteen seemed, and how mature the characters of that age were to me.
Even beyond the sound of music. Ariel, from The Little Mermaid is only 16. Aurora, from Sleeping Beauty, is 16, and Snow White (although the worst Disney Princess in my opinion that I will divulge on in a later blog post) is 15 years old.
The fact that these girls have found their Prince Charmings at such a young age seems like the most rediculous thing I have ever heard. Especailly now that I am that age.
I cannot, in any way, imagine being carried off by my one true love at the age I am now.
Yet, I see people who have.
My mom did it, seventeen and married, but even so, that was back in the old days...a historic period entitled the eighties.
But now things have started to hit home.
My sister, for example, has found the guy that, she says, is the love of her life.
She has planned out her kids names and her entire wedding reception. Even so, her love, although very real, is still far from the point where she will actually say, "I do." at any alter.
and then there is Chelsea.
My friend of almost ten years is getting married.
I find it extremely rediculous that in a short year I will be wearing a bridesmaid's dress, and giving a speech at the wedding for a girl that I played ponies with a few short years ago.
It is hard for me to believe that this is actually happening.
The question, I think at this point, becomes "Which do I want to be treated as, an adult or a child?"
Ben Folds was right, growing up sucks.
Maybe I will just keep fighting it.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Self Reliance
I have had alot of talks recently about how I live my life.
How I bend to everyone else, just to keep everyone around me happy. How I have lived my whole life trying to repent for sins I never committed. How my sense of loyalty towards others gets the best of me.
I mean, there are definitely some salvagable things, I mean. I find myself to be a really good person for the most part. I love certain aspects about myself, things I wouldn't trade for the world.
I can still keep those things and still learn something new.
I can stay in touch with myself while discovering a new way of life.
It is time for me to gain self-confidence, and to know that, yes, I am important enough to stand up for.
Someone told me once that standing up for yourself, knowing your own self worth, is one of the most important things out there. It is what transitions you from a life of "good enoughs" to what you actually want.
And that is what my problem seemed to root itself to.
I was stuck in this idea that life is just something to get by. That other people define me, and that in my head. I was defined to be just "good enough."
and then I was introduced to what someone once called the "do it yourself ethic"
DIY
wikipedia says that the DIY ethic refers to the ethic of being self-reliant by completing tasks oneself as opposed to having others who are more experienced or able to complete them for you. It promotes the idea that an ordinary person can learn to do more than he or seh thought was possible. Naturally, a DIY attitude requires that teh adherent attain the knowledge required to complete a given task. Without this DIY is not an effective dogma. The term can refer to "doing" anything at all, including creative endeavors.
Rather than belittling or showing disdain for knowledge or expertise, DIY champions the average individual seeking knowledge and expertise for him/herself. INstead of using the services of others who have expertise. a DIY oriented person would seek out the knowledge for him/herself.
To do this, one needs to belive in themselves. One needs to figure out that they are important.
You would think that if I were willing to put this on my blog, it would be true for me.
But this is not the case...
Yes, I can see and hear the words, but I am still having trouble figuring out how this fits into my life, with who I am.
But now I have something to kind of aspire to.
I will soon figure out how to mesh the two lives, the two aspects of myself together to get this "happy harmony of DIY and me."
I hope this is easier than it sounds.
How I bend to everyone else, just to keep everyone around me happy. How I have lived my whole life trying to repent for sins I never committed. How my sense of loyalty towards others gets the best of me.
I mean, there are definitely some salvagable things, I mean. I find myself to be a really good person for the most part. I love certain aspects about myself, things I wouldn't trade for the world.
I can still keep those things and still learn something new.
I can stay in touch with myself while discovering a new way of life.
It is time for me to gain self-confidence, and to know that, yes, I am important enough to stand up for.
Someone told me once that standing up for yourself, knowing your own self worth, is one of the most important things out there. It is what transitions you from a life of "good enoughs" to what you actually want.
And that is what my problem seemed to root itself to.
I was stuck in this idea that life is just something to get by. That other people define me, and that in my head. I was defined to be just "good enough."
and then I was introduced to what someone once called the "do it yourself ethic"
DIY
wikipedia says that the DIY ethic refers to the ethic of being self-reliant by completing tasks oneself as opposed to having others who are more experienced or able to complete them for you. It promotes the idea that an ordinary person can learn to do more than he or seh thought was possible. Naturally, a DIY attitude requires that teh adherent attain the knowledge required to complete a given task. Without this DIY is not an effective dogma. The term can refer to "doing" anything at all, including creative endeavors.
Rather than belittling or showing disdain for knowledge or expertise, DIY champions the average individual seeking knowledge and expertise for him/herself. INstead of using the services of others who have expertise. a DIY oriented person would seek out the knowledge for him/herself.
To do this, one needs to belive in themselves. One needs to figure out that they are important.
You would think that if I were willing to put this on my blog, it would be true for me.
But this is not the case...
Yes, I can see and hear the words, but I am still having trouble figuring out how this fits into my life, with who I am.
But now I have something to kind of aspire to.
I will soon figure out how to mesh the two lives, the two aspects of myself together to get this "happy harmony of DIY and me."
I hope this is easier than it sounds.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
End Quote
A hint to what I have been listening to.
"Don't you wanna ride in my survival car? We can take the long way home through central park. Funny how the ground can find my wheels, I'm going where the road ain't there. Riding on the path we made to Union Square.
-Fountains of Wayne
"Or maybe she's already dead, and maybe she's gone to Mars. Maybe we could even write her epitaph in the stars. It'd say 'If you go away from here; if you go a million miles."
-Marcy Playground
"I'll stop the world and melt with you. You've seen the difference, and it's getting better all the time. There's nothing you and I won't do. I'll stop the world and melt with you."
-Modern English
"Outside, outside the world. Out there you don't hear the echoes and calls, but the steel eye, tight jaw, say it all. But the white paint, plastic saints, say it all."
-Cake
"So hey baby, can you shed some light on the problem maybe? 'Cause we're all tired and we'd like to know if we should pack our tents, and shut down the show. Yes, we should like to see some burning bush type sign, but anything would be fine."
-Sixpence None the Richer
"I like the universe, but she messes with my words. I'm not talking planets or galaxies and the distance just makes it worse. You're totally right, every action was well rehearsed."
-Motion City Soundtrack
"Our memories, well they can be inviting, but some are altogether mighty frightening. As we die, both you and I, with my head in my hands I sit and cry. Don't speak. I know what you're saying, so please stop explaining, don't tell me 'cause it hurts."
-No Doubt
"Well I love the way we communicate. Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape. Let's hear what you think of me now, but baby don't look up. The sky is falling. Your mother shows up in a nasty dress. It's your turn now to stand where I stand. Everybody looking at you, here take hold of my hand. Yeah, I can hear them."
-Tori Amos
"You see 'em drop like flies from the bright sunny skies. They come knockin' on your door with this look in their eyes. You've got one good trick, and you're hanging on-you're hanging onto it."
-Ben Folds
"Stay if you want to love me. Stay, oh don't be shy. Let's cause a scene, like lovers do on silver screens. Let's make it, yeah, we'll cause a scene. It's indie rock n' roll for me."
-The Killers
"Well after all the blood that you still owe, another dollar's just another blow, so fix your eyes and get up. Better get up while you can. When you go, would you even turn to say. 'I don't love you like I did yesterday."
-My Chemical Romance
"It's never been easy for me to write words to go along with a melody, but this time there's actually something on my mind. So please forgive these few brief awkward lines."
-Hugh Grant
"And these children that you spit on, as they try to change their worlds are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they're going through."
-David Bowie
"I've always had affection for a silly reflection, and if you're waiting for the fun house to come to town. Just look around."
-Lunch Money
"You could study Shakespeare and be quite elite, and you could charm the critics and have nothing to eat. Or you could slip on a banana peel and have the world at your feet."
-Donald O'Connor
"Don't you wanna ride in my survival car? We can take the long way home through central park. Funny how the ground can find my wheels, I'm going where the road ain't there. Riding on the path we made to Union Square.
-Fountains of Wayne
"Or maybe she's already dead, and maybe she's gone to Mars. Maybe we could even write her epitaph in the stars. It'd say 'If you go away from here; if you go a million miles."
-Marcy Playground
"I'll stop the world and melt with you. You've seen the difference, and it's getting better all the time. There's nothing you and I won't do. I'll stop the world and melt with you."
-Modern English
"Outside, outside the world. Out there you don't hear the echoes and calls, but the steel eye, tight jaw, say it all. But the white paint, plastic saints, say it all."
-Cake
"So hey baby, can you shed some light on the problem maybe? 'Cause we're all tired and we'd like to know if we should pack our tents, and shut down the show. Yes, we should like to see some burning bush type sign, but anything would be fine."
-Sixpence None the Richer
"I like the universe, but she messes with my words. I'm not talking planets or galaxies and the distance just makes it worse. You're totally right, every action was well rehearsed."
-Motion City Soundtrack
"Our memories, well they can be inviting, but some are altogether mighty frightening. As we die, both you and I, with my head in my hands I sit and cry. Don't speak. I know what you're saying, so please stop explaining, don't tell me 'cause it hurts."
-No Doubt
"Well I love the way we communicate. Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape. Let's hear what you think of me now, but baby don't look up. The sky is falling. Your mother shows up in a nasty dress. It's your turn now to stand where I stand. Everybody looking at you, here take hold of my hand. Yeah, I can hear them."
-Tori Amos
"You see 'em drop like flies from the bright sunny skies. They come knockin' on your door with this look in their eyes. You've got one good trick, and you're hanging on-you're hanging onto it."
-Ben Folds
"Stay if you want to love me. Stay, oh don't be shy. Let's cause a scene, like lovers do on silver screens. Let's make it, yeah, we'll cause a scene. It's indie rock n' roll for me."
-The Killers
"Well after all the blood that you still owe, another dollar's just another blow, so fix your eyes and get up. Better get up while you can. When you go, would you even turn to say. 'I don't love you like I did yesterday."
-My Chemical Romance
"It's never been easy for me to write words to go along with a melody, but this time there's actually something on my mind. So please forgive these few brief awkward lines."
-Hugh Grant
"And these children that you spit on, as they try to change their worlds are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they're going through."
-David Bowie
"I've always had affection for a silly reflection, and if you're waiting for the fun house to come to town. Just look around."
-Lunch Money
"You could study Shakespeare and be quite elite, and you could charm the critics and have nothing to eat. Or you could slip on a banana peel and have the world at your feet."
-Donald O'Connor
Sunday, January 10, 2010
The Monster at the Dinner Table
You are called into a room.
This action could take many forms.
Sometimes, you are suddenly, literally, pulled out of bed by the arm or the hair and forced to sit in the direct sight of something you know is anything but good.
Sometimes, you are just called by your name. Making you unaware as to what is to come in the very near future. You walk into the situation completely ungaurded, and that poses a very big problem.
And other times, sometimes the worst of times, the dinner table is set.
You sit down, your heart pounding...there is this mixture of anger, anxiety, frustration, and sadness in your brain that keeps you from thinking straight.
It used to be tears, at this point, even though nothing has been said, I would already feel myself on the very edge of the cliff that marks an emotional breakdown.
Recently however, it has been anger. Instead of feeling tears spring up in my eyes, I feel my whole body rise a few degrees in temperature. My eyebrows furrow, and I just stare at the floor, ready to take whatever is about to be said; whatever attack is about to ensue.
Overall though, through the anger or the sadness, there is nervousness and anxiety. No matter what countenance I happen to be presenting, no matter what mask I happen to be wearing, I start to scratch at my hands or arms. It's odd, I know, but that's just my instinct. Providing pain, or some feeling, keeps me rooted to reality. The repetative motions keep me focused on something else.
I know at this point, that there is no fighting back...nobody is going to listen, and if you say anything you are just dismissed as disrespectful.
Respect, that ever-so-important word, a word that has a definition to me, that most people probably wouldn't understand.
"Stand up for yourself, show yourself some respect," that all sounds fine and dandy, but this is something that I don't think, at this point anyway, I am capable of.
You either fidget in your seat on the couch, afraid to relax for one second, terrified that the second you put your gaurd down is the second that the storm will begin.
It's like when you are waiting at the airport, in front of your gate, and you are rediculously thirsty. A location where you get a drink is not necessarily close by, but is not necessarily far away either. You could go there and get back in time, but what if something happens where they will start boarding early? So you sit there, and minutes pass by...time in which you could be getting that drink you so desperately want, but now that some time has passed you are that much closer to boarding,
and the cycle starts over again.
Keeping your gaurd up, holding an act in place is exhausting, but you do it because you have to.
If you have had the before hand warning, signified by a set dinner table, you know you have the time it takes to eat your food to prepare yourself for what is to come.
But you can't bring yourself to eat a thing, you just poke at the food on your plate nervously until someone comments on your "odd behavior."
Either that, or for that window of time, you pretend that everything is normal. You just convince yourself that this time, you are just having dinner; this time, everything will turn out okay, and sooner or later what you have been waiting for, the reason you have been sitting on the edge of your seat this whole time, is there.
And so it begins.
No matter what the accusation is, no matter who it applies to. It is still taken personally. That is not the intention, I'm sure, but that is just the way it turns out.
You are spoken to in even tones, probably something that wouldn't have any lasting effect on others, but is worse then screaming could ever be to me. Every word hits you, and you just sit there and stare blankly in front of you...but never directly at the speaker.
Sometimes they will say, "Look at me when I say this, Tia, look at me in the eye," and instead you look at the rims of their glasses, or something else that puts off the illusion that you are doing what they asked.
Sometimes it just seems unfair, the topic at hand has nothing, or little to do with you...It's something that isn't directly your fault.
Money problems, the condemnable house falling apart around you, their depression...
All things that shouldn't be your fault, things that aren't your mistake.
However, over the course of time, after being present for these "rants" over and over again, these things to become your fault. You accept that your existance is the cause.
When it is over, you shut yourself away. You find somewhere to crawl into and hide. A closet, underneath your bed, in the car, and there you either fume or cry.
A rediculous fear over the dinner table, how funny.
This action could take many forms.
Sometimes, you are suddenly, literally, pulled out of bed by the arm or the hair and forced to sit in the direct sight of something you know is anything but good.
Sometimes, you are just called by your name. Making you unaware as to what is to come in the very near future. You walk into the situation completely ungaurded, and that poses a very big problem.
And other times, sometimes the worst of times, the dinner table is set.
You sit down, your heart pounding...there is this mixture of anger, anxiety, frustration, and sadness in your brain that keeps you from thinking straight.
It used to be tears, at this point, even though nothing has been said, I would already feel myself on the very edge of the cliff that marks an emotional breakdown.
Recently however, it has been anger. Instead of feeling tears spring up in my eyes, I feel my whole body rise a few degrees in temperature. My eyebrows furrow, and I just stare at the floor, ready to take whatever is about to be said; whatever attack is about to ensue.
Overall though, through the anger or the sadness, there is nervousness and anxiety. No matter what countenance I happen to be presenting, no matter what mask I happen to be wearing, I start to scratch at my hands or arms. It's odd, I know, but that's just my instinct. Providing pain, or some feeling, keeps me rooted to reality. The repetative motions keep me focused on something else.
I know at this point, that there is no fighting back...nobody is going to listen, and if you say anything you are just dismissed as disrespectful.
Respect, that ever-so-important word, a word that has a definition to me, that most people probably wouldn't understand.
"Stand up for yourself, show yourself some respect," that all sounds fine and dandy, but this is something that I don't think, at this point anyway, I am capable of.
You either fidget in your seat on the couch, afraid to relax for one second, terrified that the second you put your gaurd down is the second that the storm will begin.
It's like when you are waiting at the airport, in front of your gate, and you are rediculously thirsty. A location where you get a drink is not necessarily close by, but is not necessarily far away either. You could go there and get back in time, but what if something happens where they will start boarding early? So you sit there, and minutes pass by...time in which you could be getting that drink you so desperately want, but now that some time has passed you are that much closer to boarding,
and the cycle starts over again.
Keeping your gaurd up, holding an act in place is exhausting, but you do it because you have to.
If you have had the before hand warning, signified by a set dinner table, you know you have the time it takes to eat your food to prepare yourself for what is to come.
But you can't bring yourself to eat a thing, you just poke at the food on your plate nervously until someone comments on your "odd behavior."
Either that, or for that window of time, you pretend that everything is normal. You just convince yourself that this time, you are just having dinner; this time, everything will turn out okay, and sooner or later what you have been waiting for, the reason you have been sitting on the edge of your seat this whole time, is there.
And so it begins.
No matter what the accusation is, no matter who it applies to. It is still taken personally. That is not the intention, I'm sure, but that is just the way it turns out.
You are spoken to in even tones, probably something that wouldn't have any lasting effect on others, but is worse then screaming could ever be to me. Every word hits you, and you just sit there and stare blankly in front of you...but never directly at the speaker.
Sometimes they will say, "Look at me when I say this, Tia, look at me in the eye," and instead you look at the rims of their glasses, or something else that puts off the illusion that you are doing what they asked.
Sometimes it just seems unfair, the topic at hand has nothing, or little to do with you...It's something that isn't directly your fault.
Money problems, the condemnable house falling apart around you, their depression...
All things that shouldn't be your fault, things that aren't your mistake.
However, over the course of time, after being present for these "rants" over and over again, these things to become your fault. You accept that your existance is the cause.
When it is over, you shut yourself away. You find somewhere to crawl into and hide. A closet, underneath your bed, in the car, and there you either fume or cry.
A rediculous fear over the dinner table, how funny.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Distraction is Key
At this point I'm just distracting myself.
Kyle said something about me having "girlie mood swings"
Kyle said something about me having "girlie mood swings"
but theres actually reason behind that. Its not some freakish hormonal imbalance, its me having distracions.
When I have something that keeps me preoccupied, I'm happy...but once that wears off...It's back to being left alone with a problem that I can't fix.
Boy, doesn't that suck?
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Going Through The Motions
"I'm just going through the motions, hoping no one will notice"
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Once More With Feeling
It's all over now...the longest two weeks ever.
I really don't have a ton of time to talk about it now, but be sure I will have plenty of things to blog about after I am finished "going through the motions." I have to sink back into the groove so to speak. I don't know...things just have to settle again before I can start thinking clearly. None of my friends really get it,
well that is actually a lie...there is one, but it isn't who you are all thinking...
I guess things will settle themselves out. I wish it would go a little faster though.
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Once More With Feeling
It's all over now...the longest two weeks ever.
I really don't have a ton of time to talk about it now, but be sure I will have plenty of things to blog about after I am finished "going through the motions." I have to sink back into the groove so to speak. I don't know...things just have to settle again before I can start thinking clearly. None of my friends really get it,
well that is actually a lie...there is one, but it isn't who you are all thinking...
I guess things will settle themselves out. I wish it would go a little faster though.
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