Heart of Ice

"They carve the message deep within, the broken hearts that failed to mend. Make-out kids never had a chance to be best frinds."

So I have never had what one would call a serious relationship, and that has always been fine by me. It was never anything I ever really thought about.

People are people, acquaintances are acquaintances, and friends are friends...Is there really anything more then that?

I never thought so, but I have to wonder...

Am I limiting myself by having this mindset?
Is it that I never thought of myself in that light, or that anyone would ever think of me in that light that I developed this attitude toward everything in relation to the term "boyfriend?"

It started out as just what everyone else was doing. 6th grade relationships essentially mean nothing. There are no feelings involved; in all honesty I don't think 6th graders can even begin to understand what feelings even are.

I definitely think this is where I picked up what my mother calls,

"my heart-breaking qualities."

These quick-and-over relationships paired with all the "marriages" I had seen as a child definitely translate into fear of such attachments in my own life.

I had come to the conjecture that relationships mean nothing...
they are nice while they last, but that is about it.

Then people started getting hurt. My "heartbreaking" aparently caused strife in the guys I went out with.

Don't think me stupid, but I honestly had no idea something like that would happen. I never really thought about it that way...I assumed everyone was like me.

I was wrong.

"Well, to put it bluntly...you have a heart of ice. The potential is there for you to love someone very much, but for now you seem like you're just going through the motions"

That was my latest break-up line.

Lovely, right?

Now, for whatever reason. I am doing what someone very smart put as "enamoring" people. Who knows how the hell I'm pulling it off, but aparently the quirks that come from growing up in small-town Pennsylvania are severely attractive to people here.

And now, I am lost. Hurting people isn't really something I can guiltlessly pride myself in.

It's funny though. In the midst of all this confusion, I have found someone who understands it.

That at least, is something that I can latch onto.